Serial Killers As Hard Seltzers

Is there really anything more relaxing than popping open a hard seltzer and watching true stories about people being murdered, dismantled, and/or eaten? We could all be considered “psychos” for this disturbing ritual of ours, and nothing helps bring out girls’ inner-psychos more than hard seltzers. Though we may not be serial killers, many of us currently are or were part of one of the scariest human species: college girls. This one goes out to all my fellow basic bitches!

Ted Bundy

What do Ted Bundy and White Claw have in common? Girls continue to flock to them even though they know they’re risking their own safety and overall wellbeing. This sociopath got multiple wedding proposals after it became publicly known that he’d SLAUGHTERED 30 women. And I can’t even get a text back? In the same sense, most girls in college have first hand knowledge of the horrible repercussions that come with these sparkly drinks. But we continue to binge drink them because they just taste so pretty!

Also, I like to think that if White Claw was around in the 70’s, then Bundy’s body count would’ve gone up by at least 40%. He probably would have carried around Costco-size amounts of White Claws to lure girls in. And, in all honesty, I don’t think I’d be above following an attractive, charming gentleman who offered me a Black Cherry (or even a Ruby Grapefruit because I’m that desperate) back to his car.

Plus, after enough White Claws, we all probably have the same amount of confidence it took Bundy to represent himself as his own defense lawyer in a murder trial then propose to someone mid-murder-trial.

Jeffrey Dahmer

There’s something about Truly seltzers that seems harmless. They taste like nothing, kind of like drinking White Claw through a condom. But, that’s what makes them so dangerous–one minute you’re sipping on watered down berry juice, and, before you know it, you’re passed out in a Pizza Hut bathroom (totally didn’t definitely happen to me…). Same goes for Jeffrey Dahmer–one minute he was knitting a scarf then he’d be pouring ranch dressing over his neighbor’s severed leg.

I personally find him to be the scariest serial killer because he looks SO normal. He doesn’t have that crazed look in his eyes like these other guys do. He honestly looks like one of my exes, who was toxic but not kill me and eat me kind of toxic.

It would be great if guys could walk around with “TOXIC,” or in this case “MURDERER,” tattooed on their foreheads. We probably would also appreciate if Truly put a disclaimer on their cans saying, “WARNING: Despite tasting like La Croix, excessive consumption may cause sneaky hangovers, attempting to break dance in the middle of a party, and sending ‘You up?’ texts to your ex.” But, my sweet chickens, just like life, men and alcohol are rarely upfront about their actual side effects.

Charles Manson

“You’re not consuming alcohol; you’re enjoying a low cal organic seltzer,” said Michelob Ultra. “You’re not murdering innocent people; you’re preparing for the apocalypse,” said Charles Manson.

I’d loop Michelob into the same category as Charles Manson as two of the best spin artists in history. Manson knew that calling a breeding ground for murderers a “commune” would make all the hippie girls pack up their shrooms and skip town. Michelob is fully aware that there are ZERO benefits to drinking any of their products. But, they also know that slapping “organic” on a label makes all the fit bitches swarm.

Ladies, please remember that, at the end of the day, alcohol is alcohol just like murder is murder.

John Wayne Gacy

Who is Bud Light Seltzer’s target consumer? If you guessed college girls, you probably go to school in Florida. Its actual target consumer is young men. Do I even need to explain this comparison further? Fuck it, I’ll do it anyways. John Wayne Gacy killed over 30 young men and boys. This guy drove around, picked up young guys, did unspeakable things to them, then murdered them. So, Bud Light Seltzer and Gacy basically hunt down the exact same targets.

Gacy hid his attraction to boys for a very long time. He tried to mask himself as a macho rich guy. Similarly, this hard seltzer basically serves as guys’ way to disguise the fact that they enjoy what’s considered a “girly drink” with the token good-ole-boy brand of Budweiser.

Fellas, don’t be clowns (pun intended). Do everyone a favor and admit that you like hard seltzers just as much as girls.

Richard Ramirez

Yes, Four Loko isn’t widely considered a hard seltzer. But, if you think about it, Four Loko is basically hard seltzers on bath salts. In the same sense, Richard Ramirez took serial killing to a whole new level of fucked up (he once vomited in a victim’s kitchen then jacked off on top of it, kind of like the Sig Ep I brought home sophomore year). This Satan-worshipping psycho terrorized Southern California for over 8 months. He would sneak into people’s houses at night then murder, torture, and/or rape his victims. Oh, and on top of that, he was also a serial pedophile. He became known as “The Night Stalker” which sounds like the perfect name for this beverage that turns college kids into deranged menaces to society.

Just like how Richard Ramirez introduced us to a whole new psychotic dimension of serial killers, Four Loko showed us time and time again that one canned beverage is capable of being the difference between a chill night and getting arrested for streaking through the Greek (I didn’t actually do this one…my friend did).

Written by Morgan Williams

Morgan is the connoisseur of cringe and queen of oversharing. When this TCU alum isn't single-handedly downing a family size Digiorno frozen pizza, she spends her time as a freelance writer and meme maker. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter (@janetforklift) for posts that'll make you say, "I feel seen." (It's a cigar, not the world's fattest blunt)

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