Three Lessons Cardi B Taught Me About Men

In 2020, my number one song on my Spotify recap was WAP. My number two song? Bodak Yellow. What can I say? I have the same taste in music as a strip club that has a Hennessy shot and lap dance special. But music is art. Art is meant to teach us. So here’s what Cardi B taught me about men. 

1. He should own a bucket and a mop                                                                                 Now, I have stayed at many party houses in my time. One dazzling house I had the pleasure of being a guest in, had straight-up mold everywhere in the bathroom. I had to fight for my life just to pee there. I held my breath the whole time I was in the bathroom. What could be worse than breathing in the coronavirus? Breathing in black mold. There was no mask for me to use as protection. Just a suspiciously wet towel some boy’s mom had monogrammed for him that probably hadn’t been washed in months. I thought the shower had some weird 70s orange tile when I realized the tile was stained orange from filth buildup. Don’t get me started on the bathroom rug, which, on further investigation, was just a collection of hair (pubes?). Now, this house might have owned a bucket and a mop. But unfortunately, the man, sorry boy, who had invited me most likely thought it was some type of hazing tool for spanking pledges. Cleaning is a sign of responsibility. He cleans his furniture because he bought it and didn’t get it off of the side of the road. Men respect things that cost money. He cleans his fridge because he doesn’t just keep white claws and possible dead bodies in there. He respects it because he knows how expensive it can be. What should make you ladies drip like a Brita filter, is that he owns a Brita filter and refills it after use. So if he owns a bucket and a mop, most likely, he owns a house(no way would he clean something he doesn’t own). If he owns a house, he’s investing in property. Therefore, you should invest in him.

2. Broke boys don’t deserve no pussy                                                                                     Now I’m not trying to make this all about money, but she has a point. 

3. No young dumb shit                                                                                                                Most boys need to grow up. I’m not trying to be mean. I know boys have insecurities and emotions. But the most attractive thing in a man is someone who can handle themselves, and speak clearly  about their feelings. It’s not cute to start fights over dumb shit because you feel  insecure. Or to lead a girl on, who you know likes you. It’s not cute to play games if someone has been open and honest about how they feel. It’s even less cute when after a fight, he goes and likes his exes bikini pics :/ you know who you are.

DISCLAIMER: Now, queen Cardi does have some questionable lines about men such as ”I like men who been in and outta jail.” What for though???? Was it just the drunk tank?? Or did he kidnap a child and keep them in his basement??? I understand the flawed logic. But everyone’s flawed! For example, my comedy king, Will Farrell, appears flawless. However, he made Land of The Lost so…. see? Nobody’s perfect. 

When I was on a middle school church retreat (bear with me), my middle school bestie and I made a list. This list had all the attributes we wanted in a husband. Of course, I hit some very important ones – tall, handsome, funny, understanding. These things are important. But little middle school Caroline was not looking out for future Caroline. Yes, all of those attributes are great. But… what do I want more right now? Someone who understands my feelings? Or someone to pay for my drinks and flight to Miami? Do I want someone who can make me laugh? Or someone to buy me a mother fucking espresso machine? Friends will understand. Friends will make you laugh. But men, aren’t that funny (no offense) or emotionally intelligent (total offense). However, they do serve a purpose and I do love them.