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Uber Etiquette

I know what you’re thinking, Alyssa, how can you sit here and tell me how to act in an Uber when you’re banned from the app because you threw up in one on your 21st birthday? I can’t. Therefore, I’m not here to lecture you on how to act IN an Uber, but I’m here to lecture you on how to act ABOUT Ubers. 

Ladies, you know about this all too well. Let’s set the scene. 

It’s a Saturday night. You’re out at the bar with all your friends. You haven’t heard from the guy you’re hooking up with all day. You brush it off as him just trying to enjoy the day with “The Boys,” but you and I both know, that’s just not true. He’s been scoping out his options all day long. He invited four different girls to his darty, but none of them bit the bait and had sex with him. 

I’ve come to learn that it’s absolutely nothing personal when they do this. They’re just looking for something new. And also they just like you way too much. They don’t want a relationship right now because they’re in college. They’re trying to distance themselves from you so they don’t totally fall in love and then ruin their college experience. That’s what I tell myself to feel better. It helps. Even though it’s not true at all. 

Anyway, back to the scene. He’s at the bar, looking around and thinks to himself, “Fuck. Who’s going home with me tonight? Oh. That’s right. Sally. I’ll text her and tell her to come over.” 

He texts you and tells you to come over. You’re just so happy you’ve finally heard from him, so you do. You call an uber from the bar and go to his fraternity house.

NO. STOP. DO NOT DO THIS.

If Bradley wants to get laid so badly (I’m a poetic genius), then he should be able to call your $8.00 Uber. But let’s say he can’t. Let’s say he’s too drunk to figure it out (you know how men can be). You can call it there. I’ll give you a pass. But if in the morning, he turns to you and says, “you should call your uber now,” you should grab the lamp on his nightstand and smash it over his head. 

Just kidding. Men don’t own nightstands. And if they do, they certainly don’t have a lamp on it. 

So what do you do? Well, to not make things awkward, you can just call your Uber, leave, and never talk to him again. Or if you love chaos, you can ask him to call it instead. Or even better, ask him to drive you home while he’s hungover and can barely get up to go use the bathroom. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about him. There’s no need to dissect that. 

Ultimately, at the end of the day, a guy who doesn’t call your uber is a guy that you should not be fucking. Guys who are willing to drop eight dollars on us only!

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Written by Alyssa Schoener

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