We are all more than familiar with the house party sneaker. Every cute girly wears her perfectly planned outfit, only to wear a dirty-ass white sneaker for shoes. Business on the feet, party on the top. Men who have a problem with girls wearing sneakers with their Princess Polly two-piece body con outfit, stop being sexist. We have to suffer through finding clothes that fit just right and flatter massive (or in my case, itty bitty) lumps of fat on our chest. Then we have to wear underwear that gives us a constant wedgie. On top of that, we have no fucking pockets in any of our clothes. We are constantly cold. Our jeans never fit our waist and our ass. Men oversexualize us regardless of what we are wearing. AND YOU WANT TO COMMENT ON MY SHOES??? You want me to wear heels to your dirty ass basement party? I would never wear open-toed shoes to a house party!! As Amanda Bynes said in the critically acclaimed movie, She’s the Man, “I’m not wearing heels. Heels are a male invention designed to make a woman’s butt look smaller, And to make it harder to run away.”
This being said if a girl wants to wear heels, go for it. I mean, I don’t want to be in physical pain the whole night. I already have too much emotional pain to add that physical pain. But you do you, sis.
Here is what I think each of the sneakers says about you
AIR FORCE ONES
You’re hot but boring.
They are the classic hot girl shoe. Every girl has worn the Air Force One. I think these are the Regina George’s of the sneaker world. I think they always look good. However, she’s expensive and her personality is lame. You’d think, okay, this is the basic bitch shoe, let me get one of the custom colors. But the custom color AFO’s are so expensive and a little try-hard. Let me just say, although these shoes are basic, I love them. You’re hot if you wear them.
You ball SO hard.
Cool girls wear J’s. Miley even said it!! The downside, they clunky af, and my size 10 feet will look like Ronald McDonald in them. Upside, after brunch, you can just go play some one on one. Always prepared.
Your boyfriend has a dad bod.
A cheaper option than the before mentioned. If you own new balances, you probably have a great sense of humor. New Balances are like the dad bod of sneakers. We are with them for comfort and their personality. They’re not flashy. Not trying to impress. They feel like home. They kind of remind you of the guy you dated who was always fun to talk to, but you never really made you look good.
You’re ~misunderstood~ and indie.
I know these are a classic. I know. But how can anyone wear these shoes? So uncomfortable. Like are you trying to be in pain just to feel something??? Maybe it’s just my big feet? If you wear converse, you probably are moody af. I know, because I used to be you. The shoe of the classic ~misunderstood~ They’re always uncomfortable. They always look dirty. If your converse are clean, I don’t know if I can even trust you. These come out of the box looking like the guy who got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. I just don’t think I can wear the same shoes that the angsty girls from high school wore to homecoming with their knock off Betsy Johnson dresses from Hot Topic. If you wear converse, you probably listen to undiscovered indie artists.
You’re one of the boys and possibly can do a kickflip?? Also, maybe into girls.. Ahh Van’s. Reminds me of my days playing Tony Hawk and thinking Bam Mangera was hot. I will always respect vans. Especially, the slip-on shoes. I have always found the lace-ups uncomfy. But writing this article has made me realize I have phat ass feet. Van’s are cool. The slip-on shoes are the cutest version of having huge penguin flippers. Which is great if you live someone near the beach. You can just go snorkeling after the party! Vans have a special place in my heart. However, I don’t own any. I’m over them. It’s not 2007. Don’t keep holding on to the past. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Oh, so you played soccer in Highschool? Cool.
You’re super cute and tiny. Only look good on girls under the height of 5’3”. I stand by this. Everyone else looks horrible. I’m sorry.
SOOOOO…. I want to conclude this article by saying, wear whatever the fuck you want. Who cares what I think? It’s your life and everyone is cuter in things that make them feel confident. One time, I got drunk and went to a birthday party in a wine-stained gray sweatshirt. I felt comfortable and cute. Did I look good? No. Did I feel hot? Yes. And that’s all that matters. Hotness is a state of mind. Why else would girls be obsessed with Timothee Chalamet? He’s got hot boy state of mind. He tells us he’s hot and we believe it regardless of what he looks like. And no offense, but he looks like the gecko from the Geico commercials. What is that gecko’s name??