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Your Whore-a-scope For The Week

Your Whore-a-scope for the week!!!

DISCLAIMER: I don’t have any education or certification in astrology. However, I did see a documentary once and have the costar app on my phone. So I’m an expert.

Also, i don’t believe in astrology. So if i offend you, sorry queen. Please @totalfratmove and tell them why you hate me.

Aquarius:

My sweet, sweet, Aquarius babies. I know nothing about your sign except that it has a nice piece of pottery as it’s simple. To me, that seems like you might be smoking pot this week or taking a pottery class. Both sounds like you’re Seth Rogan. Is Seth Rogan an Aquarius? 

The only other thing I know about Aquariuses is the song from the musical Hair called Age of Aquarius. At the end of the song, the whole cast gets naked on stage. Your sign also has little water waves on it. So, I’m guessing you go skinny dipping nakey this week!!!

UPDATE: Turns out Seth Rogan is an aires. I am an aires so I am going to claim this as a massive victory.

Pisces

Rihanna and Olivia Rodrigo are Pisces. So I’m guessing you have some girl boss energy, but also cry a lot in your room alone. You don’t even hate crying in your room alone. I predict, this week, you have a cutie pie come over. Then, you kick him/her/them/whatever out when you are finished with the evening’s activities. You do this because you are the boss. After they leave, you put on John Mayer and cry about how lonely you are. Even though four hours ago someone drove forty-five minutes away to pretend to watch Lala Land with you.  

Aires 

I am an aires so I can already tell you what I’m doing this week. I love being an aires but how does anyone tolerates me? I have no idea. I blame all my bad traits on my astrology sign because I refuse to take responsibility.  The aires sign kinda looks like an IUD, which I love. This week, I will spend five days asking the boy if he’s mad at me. Then, come Friday, I will listen to one too many Megan Thee Stallion songs, and truly forget to check if he’s breathing. Not because I don’t care, because I am emotionally bipolar. I am a little sad softy majority of the week. But on the weekends, I am stomping around the city in my Steve Madden sandals I got from TJ Maxx like I own the place. If you piss me off on the weekends when I have Feelin’ Myself on repeat, I will destroy you and your family…… But I will apologize on Monday when I get lonely again. 

Taurus

I know nothing about this sign. The logo looks like a little mascot with horns. I am going to guess you are going to go to a baseball game. At the game, you will dm  one of the athletes. 1. because you’re hot. 2. Because you had one too many margaritas and haven’t eaten in 28 hours. You might pass out before the actual hook-up occurs due to your blood sugar. However, since you haven’t had a decent meal since Thursday, you look super fit and not bloated.

Gemini

Hooking up with a Gemini is super cool because they have two personalities – so it’s basically like having a threesome! First off, happy birthday month! Second, you are a scary bitch. You’re going to look super hot at your party. You will probably make out with multiple hot men and then call them pussies if they can’t keep up with your insane alcohol tolerance. Out of nowhere, with no explanation, you will become the most fragile, delicate flower. It’s not your fault. When you are that cool and confident, you have to have a second personality to balance it out. The next day after your minor meltdown, you will act as nothing happened. Everyone else will act like nothing happened too. 1. Because you’re terrifying 2. Because you’re the most fun and interesting friend they have. 3. Because you’re super hot and they probably want to hook up. I love Gemini ladies. I hope you have so much fun this birthday month, you psychos!!!!

Cancer 

I looked up the cancer sign and it looks like two fishes 69-ing each other. Thus, you must be a generous lover, who also looks out for your own enjoyment. Respect. From what I hear, your body is built like a dancer(I don’t know anything about cancers). You sound super hot. I hope you aren’t dating a boy who treats you poorly. I just want to remind you, dear Cancer, you are the hot one. Don’t let anyone act like they’re the hot one in the relationship. You are. You lil 69 freak a leak. I am going to predict this week you lay down the law. Tell someone how to treat you. Either ghost them for a second until they get the hint, or tell them straight up. They can’t act like you aren’t a lil fish 69 catch.

Leo

The Leo sign looks like a sassy little ponytail. So I predict you are going to have a super fun week. You’re going to go GNO. You and the girl gang are doing to attract a lot of attention. But dear Leo, I have a feeling you and your sassy little ponytail want to get stuffed with pizza after a night out instead of getting stuffed with some guy who mansplaining the ketogenic diet to you. Us women, we have built-in body dysmorphia, do you think we haven’t heard of a certain diet? (we know them all, bitch). Tell that boy to leave you alone and go get pizza !!!!

Virgo 

VirGO tell him how you feel. This week you are going to send a risky drunk text. I dare you to. Don’t think JUST DO IT.

Libra 

Costar says Libras are peaceful. Do you want to know what is peaceful? No phone. I am going to guess you drop your phone somewhere or it breaks. Maybe you just don’t charge it before you go out and have a dead phone all Friday night. Stick to the buddy system so you don’t lose your friends like how you lost your phone.

Saggitarius 

My sweet Saggies. You might be my favorite sign, because I am just as narcissistic as you. You are going to do something risky this weekend. Like you do every weekend. Most likely flirt with the bartender or dm a celebrity. You are the most outgoing sign (probably? Idk if that’s true). So your crazy behavior will be the entertainment for the friend group. I hope it works out for you, you impulsive hottie.

Capricorn 

No one would survive without a Capricorn bestie. This weekend, you will be with friends having life chats. Making life-long memories. You will go to the bar, but just for a little. You would rather go home and binge Netflix with pizza after a few hours out. Then, you will stay up until all of your friends text you that they got home safe. What a good friend.

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Written by Caroline Bano

Super boring girl with mediocre personality....but I'm hot. Read my blog. NYC.

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