Let the preamble to this article be the following: I’m a girl who does not condone the use of improper language or rude words. I promise. I think the convention of poor language is actually quite abhorrent and unnecessary, especially when the book of Shakespearean insults exists. It is definitely more fun to call someone a “hasty-witted mammet” than it is any other more commonplace insult. Furthermore, I do not wish ill will on any men or women who identify with the “fuckboy” category; I am simply stating a grievance that has been experienced by myself and a countless number of my friends. I’m bringing light to a cause people. This is my philanthropy.
Ironically, it was at dinner with my parents when I first said the word “fuckboy” out loud. We were sitting at a restaurant in Tennessee when a very handsome boy, let’s call him Kenneth, walked in. He had the “build-your-own-fratstar-southern-boy-checklist” on lock: tall, friendly smile, broad shoulders, perfectly worn Sperrys, and twinkly eyes. He even pulled out the chair for his mama, y’all. I was impressed. I looked over, caught his eye, blushed (which is really difficult to do with my skin tone) and smiled to myself.
I stood up to make a phone call a half hour later and as I came back, I happened to catch a glance at the phone in Kenneth’s hand. Not only was he on Tinder (which honestly isn’t a big deal; this is the 21st century), he was sharing some blatantly obvious and very risqué images with someone whom I can only assume was a random. I came back to my table laughing, rolling my eyes and telling my parents what had just happened — yeah, we’re that kind of family. After my mom hears of the whole interaction, she said, “Just last year, you would be drooling over that boy. What happened?”
Something pretty simple, I explained — college. Throughout high school, girls are told over and over again to wait until college, because all the boys who we like will actually grow up and become the men we are looking for. In reality, using the infinite interactions I’ve encountered over my undergrad time as proof, the opposite occurs. More often than not, the intellectual, kind-heartedness, and individuality of a person is beaten out and replaced with a shell in college. That shell is what we collectively refer to as “a fuckboy.” A dated term at this point, I know, but stick with me. I felt it necessary to elucidate on the identification of a fuckboy for future reference, as when I explained it to my parents, I couldn’t scrounge up a proper, tangible definition. Mom and Dad, this is for you.
1. Depends on his mom but doesn’t respect women.
2. Uses his parents money but doesn’t respect his parents.
3. Is willing to throw anyone (including friends, family, previous hookups, and girlfriends) under the bus if it benefits him.
4. Lies… about his name, his fraternity affiliation, who his friends are, etc.
5. Is manipulative; makes you feel guilty for saying no/disagreeing with him.
6. Doesn’t introduce you to his friends when you’re seen together in public.
7. Makes you feel uncomfortable by being aggressively sexually forward or talking about being aggressively sexually forward with other people.
8. Sends grammatically incorrect/short texts to show he dgaf but also gaf a little.
9. Says any of the following: “Come over, we can watch Gilmore Girls, chill, and have some wine,” “Just saw this,” “I don’t do labels,” “All my exes are crazy,” “U up?”
10. Plays himself off as physically strong and powerful but is intrinsically weak.
11. Has a girlfriend but also a Tinder.
12. Hits on his friends’ girlfriends.
13. Hits on his girlfriend’s friends.
14. Has the phrase “Oxford dictionary in the streets, Urban dictionary in the sheets” in his Instagram/Tinder bio.
15. Cares more about his car or comparable mode of transportation than he does people.
16. Spends more money on his protein shakes and “bulking gear” than he does on anything (or anyone) else.
17. Snapchat >>>>> Texts.
18. Walks his dog on sorority row even if he doesn’t live near sorority row..
