I don’t know much about women. I’ve only talked to like 3 and a half women in my entire life. And the longest interaction I have ever had with a girl was in 2nd grade when I got in a fist fight with Emma Johnson (she won). And I don’t even have a mother or any sisters, I was built in a lab by scientists trying to make the shittiest writer possible and then I was raised by grammar hating wolves.
But, with all that being said, there’s a few brilliantly useful gems of knowledge that I’ve accumulated over the years about the female race. Not opinions. Not theories. Indisputable facts that have been scientifically proven by scientists (the same ones that built my dumb ass). Needless to say, I’m an expert. And yes, I know I just spent the whole first paragraph hammering home the point that I’m NOT an expert but fuck you. Just keep reading.
I recently made a discovery, and here’s what it is.
Next time you notice that a woman in your life recently dyed her hair, walk up to her and ask her if she’s okay. Because she is definitely going through an existential crisis.
Ask her what happened. Ask her who hurt her. Get to the bottom of what the deal is, because SOMETHING bad just happened. I don’t know exactly what, but something.
I say not to be a sexist, but to be helpful and to advise my fellow men. These girls are crying out for help. LISTEN.
It’s a pattern I’ve recently noticed in my life. When me and a long term ex GF broke up, she randomly bleached her hair — post hospitalization Kanye style. One of my best friends recently flunked out of college and had to dump her heroin junkie boyfriend and dyed her hair red. Another friend of mine told me she was really depressed and then recently dyed her hair purple. Why? I don’t know, but now the bitch looks like Grimace (which means she’s a little overweight but that’s ok).
So I’ve constructed a guide. A new system of measurement to determine exactly HOW bad the crisis is, divided by colors.
Blonde
If she dyed her hair blonde, she’s definitely going through some shit. But it’s nothing TOO crazy. She’s probably extra stressed from something depressing yet common, like a breakup. Also, an unintended side effect is that this will make them stupider. And don’t worry, the blonde girls reading this won’t understand that joke.
Brown
If she’s changing her hair from blonde to brown, it’s basically the emotional equivalent of brown to blonde. But an unintended side effect is that she will now become more intelligent. And don’t worry, once again, blonde girls won’t get offended by this article, they can’t read.
Red
A more severe version of blonde and brown. They’re risking their lives by becoming a ginger, you have to be a in a REALLY dark place to be willing to do that.
Black
If they dye their hair black, they’re going through a time when their soul feels darker and they’re way angrier than usual. This is occasionally accompanied by a Tim Burton-related tattoo. And if she has one of those, RUN.
Purple/ Blue
She is going through some serious, maniacal SHIT. She is beyond depressed. Give her a hug or an apple pie or pay for some therapy sessions or something. Anything. Sad. Is. Happening.
Green
She’s about to steal Christmas..
