TFM
Last week, in what I am sure was a proud moment for my mom, I decided to confess to the TFM world my love for sexting. As an unintended (although not wholly unexpected) result, my DMs were flooded with a veritable smorgasbord of dick pics from all of you fine gentlemen out there: long dicks, short dicks, thick dicks, thin dicks, straight dicks, curved dicks, nice dicks, scary dicks. As I shifted through the cockapalooza that became my inbox, I noticed there were some actual questions mixed in with the pictures, most of which related to how to take a dick pic properly. Now, even though you assholes didn’t follow my advice and instead led with dick pics, I’ve decided to do both you and all of the girls you will ever send a schlong snap to a favor and answer some of your most burning (although hopefully not when you pee) questions.
“Quick question on the dicture sending. Is it appropriate to draw top hats and other funny things on the penis?”
First, I need to thank you for introducing the term “dicture” into my vernacular. I love it and will now use it forever, while totally taking credit for it. Answering your question, yes, it’s 100 percent okay to doodle on your dick: top hats, bow ties, King Kong climbing it, whatever. Here’s the deal — funny is always hot. Funny with a good cock? Hotter. Handsome and funny with a good cock? Give me your address, because I’m coming over to propose with a blow job, a six-pack, and a large pepperoni pizza.
“When I take the pic, should I show other parts – like a hand or abs or anything? And what about grooming?”
To the first question, the answer is a resounding yes. Just a dick floating out there with nothing else in the picture looks really fucking weird. If you have a nice six-pack (or even a three-pack) please go ahead and include it. If you’re self-conscious about your body, zoom in and put your hand around your rod. If you do it right, you can actually use this tactic to make yourself look bigger. Whatever you do, please, please, please do not take a naked mirror selfie. Mirror selfies aren’t okay when you’re clothed, and they sure as hell aren’t any better when you’re in the nude. The flash in the mirror doesn’t make anyone look attractive, and that includes Mr. Johnson.
On the topic of grooming, would you show up for a job interview without combing your hair or getting a haircut if your mop was a little shaggy? The same thing applies here. Think of sending a dick pic as your job interview to get her to be the jockey to your bologna pony. You want to look your best, right?
“Can you explain a little more about this frame of reference thing? I’m confused.”
I don’t think what I said about this in my original piece was all that confusing, but sure, I’ll break it down for you. First, I can’t take credit for the “frame of reference” concept — that goes to my friend jtrain, who talked about taking dick pics with the TV remote on the TFM podcast forever ago. Essentially, what you want to do is make sure there is something else in the picture so that your lady friend has something to judge your schwanz against. This should done super casually. Again, holding something right up next to it is amateur hour. Instead, you could be sitting on the couch taking the picture with your TV remote or a beer bottle on the coffee table. Or maybe you’re lying in bed with a paperback book tossed “carelessly” to the side, but yet, it’s still in the shot. For the love of Christ, please don’t Photoshop or Facetune your wang. We can totally tell.
“What’s the best way to send a dick pic? Text or Snapchat?”
Honestly, I’m not a fan of the schlong snap. Ten seconds isn’t long enough for me to determine if you’re well-endowed or stumpy. I need more time to decide if your meat stick is worthy of a return tit pic. Therefore, I prefer my dictures via text so I can examine them at length and perhaps hold on to them for later personal use — oh, and show them to all of my girlfriends, of course. But the answer here really depends on you. Do you want her to be able to keep the picture? Do you want to have a political career at some point? How do you feel about the majority of the girls in your greater metropolitan area seeing photographic evidence of your trouser snake? Ask yourself those questions and then you’ll have your answer.
So there you go. Your dick pic inquiries have been answered. Any questions?.
Maybe just stop sending the dick pics in the first place. Ever wondered why you’re driving off the opposite sex like your rancid gym socks drive off your mom? Well, there’s your answer. No one wants to see your ugly genitals in the first place. If they pretend they do, it’s because they’re desperate.