Alex Becker
If you’re in a fraternity, beware of these four guys.
The One Who Always Bools
I’m pretty sure this dude doesn’t take classes. Whenever you walk into the living room, there he is lying on the couch with a bong in his hand and his Ugg slippers on while he plays some pre-pubescent middle schooler in Madden with the headset on. Sure, he’s whooping the kid 81-0 in the second quarter, but that’s not an accomplishment to be proud of. Weirdly enough, this guy has some redeeming qualities, but they just don’t ever get noticed. He’s usually a stellar chef considering he cooks himself munchies all day long, and while he may not go to class he definitely has some sort of elaborate cheating scheme prepared for the final. Befriend this guy, not only because he’s always down for anything, but also because he’ll make you feel good about the way your life is going.
The One Who Only Eats Chicken Nuggets
This guy seems completely normal at first. He’s funny, knows how to talk to girls, is somewhat decent looking, maybe even a little athletic, but his kryptonite is trying new foods. Maybe it’s not chicken nuggets, could be pizza or burgers or even hot dogs, but this dude will not for the life of him eat a single vegetable, piece of fish, or anything else that isn’t served at Chuck E. Cheese. His eating habits get annoying, especially at Japanese restaurants when he asks for teriyaki chicken with the sauce on the side, but considering his weakness is guacamole this dude isn’t too hard to put up with. It’s unclear why this guy is such a picky eater. Maybe he was breastfed for too long or maybe he was raised by a babysitter who only knew how to make Kraft mac and cheese. Either way blame his parents, not him.
The Gym Addict
“Yo boys, who wants to hop on a cycle?” No one, Trevor.
This guy is yoked. He has neck muscles with veins popping out and a penis small enough to line up his “preworkout” with. Just like chicken nugget man, this dude’s parents are probably also to blame. They either didn’t love him or made him into a fat child early on and now he is just overcorrecting. Regardless, this guy will go to the gym no matter what. Party starts in 20 minutes? Need to get a quick pump in to look good. Final exam worth 85% of your grade tomorrow? Study in between sets. Other than the fact he only talks about macros and bulking 24/7, this dude is great to have on your side for post-bar scraps and makes the best cutoffs.
The House Nerd
Sure, he may be a bit pretentious at times with his career planning and his hot girlfriend who is clearly banking on his potential, but you can’t not love this guy. He’s the type of guy who’s super friendly, yet at the same time so condescending he makes you rethink your entire life. Will he help you cheat? Definitely not. Will he explain to you why cheating is immoral and only going to hurt you in the long run? You betcha. Yes, at times you may want to roundhouse kick this dude in the throat, but when you see him blacked at the bar you can’t help but smile and give him a hug. Is he your best friend? God no. Will he be at your wedding? Yep, but mostly as the risk manager.
