Unless you’re flying first class on Emirates in one of those luxury seats that comes with a king size bed and two wives, airplanes absolutely suck. You’re crammed into a tiny, plastic seat that seems only fitting for a child or one of modern day’s “short kings.” Oh, and you are trapped next to strangers for four hours. Here are the four worst dudes you can get stuck sitting next to on an airplane.
The Talker
Typically this guy is going to be over the age of 50 and definitely from the Midwest. He will begin by asking you why you are on the flight and by the end of it will know all of your hopes and dreams. Earbuds are no match for The Talker as he will continue to ask follow up questions no matter the answers you give. You can nod and say “okay” as much as you want, but he won’t get the hint. If you don’t do your part of the conversation, he will take it as a sign to talk twice as much. He most definitely booked the middle seat on purpose so that he has two chances at a victim and did not bring anything to entertain himself with. If you do manage to get him to stop talking, it will only be for a moment until he looks over at whatever screen you are watching your movie on and says “oh boy, what’s that?”
The Fatty
Look, I know we are all supposed to be “body positive” nowadays and that calling someone “fat” is basically the new “n-word,” but if your size doesn’t allow me to put the arm rests down, you deserve everything that comes to you. Have you guys seen that woman on Tiktok that is trying to get airlines to give “plus-size people” two seats for the price of one? Obviously she is bat-shit crazy, but she does make a good point. Some people require two seats. Do I think the airline is responsible for that? Of course not. But if your thigh alone is the size of my carry-on bag, you better buy a buffer seat. It’s bad enough I need to sit with my balls on my lap, I shouldn’t need to give up part of my seat for your love handles. If you do get stuck next to someone who requires a seatbelt extender, go ahead and use their fluff as a neck pillow, you deserve it.
The Smelly Food Eater
I once sat next to a man who pulled out an entire bowl of chili as soon as we reached 10,000 feet and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Sure, chili isn’t the worst smelling food out there, but it sure does have a scent to it. You know what else has a scent to it? Farts. As if this man’s bean-filled gas wasn’t enough, he actually spilled a little of it on me during turbulence. He was nice enough to apologize, but what was done was done. I had ground beef, beans, and tomato sauce on my sweatpants. Thank god I didn’t wear shorts. If that guy got chili on my actual skin I would have jumped out of the emergency row.
Mr. Small Bladder
Here are the rules for going to the bathroom on a flight. If you are in the window seat, you don’t get to use the bathroom. You chose the window seat, you knew you were going to be in the window, you control the window, thus you lose bathroom privileges. The middle seat is a bit different. Unless you are a complete psychopath, you didn’t choose the middle, you were stuck with it. That’s not on you, I get it. So, you can use the bathroom once. That’s it, ONCE. Any more than that and I am going to personally check your prostate with my foot up your ass. Grow up and learn to hold it in.
