As men, we have really fallen off from our times of going to war and providing food and warmth to our kids and wives. While we no longer hunt or do typical “man” things, here are some things you should never do as a man.
Blow on your food: If you’re in public blowing on your food, everyone is making fun of you. If you’re in private, god is making fun of you.
Wear a bike helmet: I would rather have a concussion and a brain bleed before I wear a bike helmet. A motorcycle helmet is ok.
Call Starbucks “Starbies”: You gotta be sick to utter the words “Starbies” to another human.
Coffee order being more than 2 words: Please don’t order a “Pink Drink with extra pumps of vanilla and no fruit”. I will be taking away your man card if you do.
Wait for the cross-the-street sign: As a man, why are you waiting on cars to stop for you to be able to walk? Grow up.
Being a Cowboys Fan: Something doesn’t sit right with me if you’re a cowboys fan. You need to get checked if you are.
Using an umbrella: If you are scared of water, just say that.
Reposting money/car giveaways on Instagram: I am sorry to break it to you, but Mr. Beast not giving you a free Tesla. Stop posting about it. Why don’t get you get a job and just buy one?
Being born in June: I will let you figure this one out.
Laughing more than 3 times a week: What are you happy about? I haven’t laughed once this week and it’s Friday.
Calling an Uber instead of drunk driving: I would never let someone drive me home after a night of drinking. I got myself in this position, I gotta get myself out.
Any type of Tik Tok dance: I better not see you trying to learn the Renegade. You should be learning how to be a plumber and start working.
Using the Warriors with KD on 2k: This is a zesty and low-class move. If another man chooses this Warriors squad, you gotta get them checked out and make sure their brain is working okay. That roster is OP.
Using the neck roll for squats: Might as well not go to the gym if you’re gonna use the neck roll. I never have this problem because I don’t hit legs.
Being a waiter: Go work in the coal mines
Holding your nose when you jump into a pool: Don’t even piss me off. Imagine what your kids would think if they saw you jumping in while holding your nose like your six.
Drowning: Just swim.
Photo Dumps: Please don’t ever post a “photo dump” on Instagram. As men, we are only allowed 1 post a year and that can be of a fish, your boys, or a mountain.
Not liking sports: Nothing screams masculinity like watching other men play sports.
Being lactose intolerant: Just tolerate it. Also, using alternative milk is a bad look. “Can I actually get almond milk?”
Celebrating your birthday: Why are you celebrating the day that all your problems started?
Being a flight attendant: You gotta be the pilot or you can’t work in the airlines. Simple as that.
Catching meat at Hibachi: Letting another man throw the meat in your mouth while you’re sitting?
Using fabric softener: I don’t wash my clothes with soap. I just soak them in my shower water and dry them outside.
Taking a bath: Unless you are a baby, baths are strictly for girls.
Auto-caps off: Don’t text me if you don’t capitalize words or use the right spelling.
Trying to sneeze quietly: There is a reason that dad sneezes are so powerful. You just gotta let loose.
Driving with two hands: Left-hand steering right is holding my spit cup.
Controlling your gambling addiction: If you’re able to control yourself when it comes to gambling, you have a problem.
Not having substance abuse issues: Being an alcoholic >>>
Calling your friends their government names: Every guy friend has a specific nickname, don’t use their real names.
Shoe size less than 10.5: I don’t believe people have smaller than a size 10.5, just doesn’t seem masculine.
Skincare routine: Just use water. Can you imagine trying to explain to our forefathers who stormed Normandy how they need to exfoliate?
Drinking Boba: Sucking balls through a straw. Cmon man.
Asking for directions: You need to get lost and maybe use a map. Do not ever ask.
Owning slippers: I own slippers and they’re the best. It isn’t okay, but I love it.
Needing help at Home Depot: Why ask an employee and save 30 minutes when you could walkaround aimlessly and get frustrated?
Having a phone case: Especially if it’s colored, you can’t have that. Clear is the only acceptable case.
Wearing sunscreen: You’re weaker than the sun? Sure buddy.
Posting your Venmo/Cash App on your birthday: Nobody buying your ugly ass drinks. Grow up.
Sleeping on your stomach: Not acceptable as a man. Need you on your side or back.
More than 1 pillow on your bed: Why do you think it is okay to be comfortable? You shouldn’t even be sleeping, you should be working.
Having a stomach ache: Nothing is less masculine than uttering the words “My stomach hurts” to a group of people. Just figure it out.
Workout gloves: You got soft hands brother.
Bringing your own bag to the grocery store: Do you care about the environment? That is a bad look as a man.
Oven mitts: If you wear workout gloves, you definitely wear oven mitts.
Look both ways before crossing the street: Are you scared of a car?
Eating a banana in public: Lol, I don’t need to explain.
Wearing a V-neck: Whoever invented V-necks needs to be locked in a jail cell and thrown into outer space. I had to basically threaten to abandon my family to get my dad to stop wearing these things.
Hitting a curb: Learn how to drive buddy.
Wearing a seatbelt: This goes back to my point earlier, are you scared of getting hurt?
Playing a racket sport: Hitting balls back and forth is weird.
Going to the doctor: Are you seriously going to let another person take care of you because you’re hurt?
Not being 6 feet tall: Who are you talking too pipsqueak?
