I don’t know if other men are with me on this, but I’d show my parents my search history before I show my friends the texts I send to a girl I like. When a guy is trying to get laid, he’s a whole new man. If he actually has feelings for a girl, forget it. Anything he sends will be overthought, and softer than ten ply toilet paper. As a result of this, every man develops an entirely new language when texting a girl they like. These are the texts a you send a girl you like vs. everyone else.
Text I Receive: “Hey”
Normal Response: No response. I emphasize the message.
Response to a Girl I Like: “Hey. How’s it going?”
Text I Receive: “What are you doing tonight?”
Normal Response: “Gettin high what’s up.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Hi. What’s your favorite color? I have no plans, do you wanna hang out?”
Text I Receive: “I’m going to BAR X. You should come by.”
Normal Response: “Can’t. Too high.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Sounds good. I’m about to take a shower. I’ll be there soon.”
Text I Receive: “Hey how have you been?”
Normal Response: “Pretty high.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “I’m good, how are you. I haven’t seen you in forever, we should definitely hang out soon.”
Text I Receive: “You wanna grab lunch today?”
Normal Response: “I got really high and ate a bunch of Cheetos earlier. If it’s on you I guess I could eat again.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Yes, I am totally starving. Where do you want to go?”
Text I Receive: “Hey, can you read this blog for me and tell me it’s funny.”
Normal Response: “Sorry Tim. I’ve already finished my work for the day, and now I’m too high to be any help.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “I didn’t know you wrote blogs. That’s so awesome. Maybe we should talk about blogs, and perhaps look at each other naked sometime.”
Text I Receive: “What’s your favorite song.”
Normal Response: “When I’m high I really like to watch the Hopeless Wanderer music video on YouTube.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Rachel told me we have the same favorite song. What’s yours just so I know that she wasn’t lying to me.”
Text I Receive: “The blog you posted today made me laugh.”
Normal Response: “Thanks. I had that idea when I was high.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Thank you so much. You would be a great mother.”
Text I Receive: “Can you venmo me for the bar.”
Normal Response: “Can you give me a week? I just emptied the bank account on an eighth and get paid on Friday.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Yes ofc. That was so fun btw we should totally go there again.”
Text I Receive: “Could you help me move a couch this weekend.”
Normal Response: “Nah. I have weed to smoke. Sorry.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “Yes, definitely. I can pay you if needed. What time works best for you?”
Text I Receive: “Hey. Your behavior last night was totally unacceptable. I can forgive you throwing up on the carpet in my basement. The amount of alcohol you consumed doesn’t forgive the way you spoke to my mother, though.
Normal Response: “My bad. Sometimes I go demon mode when I’m not high.”
Response to a Girl I Like: “I am deeply in love with you. At points like this I think it’s important to go all or nothing. Wanna grab Chipotle sometime?”
*sighs* I don’t have sex a lot.
