As someone with very few skills or remaining brain cells, there are not a ton of jobs I’m qualified for. However, there are some jobs that I wish I could do, but probably won’t ever get the chance. Here are three jobs I wish I had.
Onlyfans Model
Would I get naked everyday and post it online to make a million dollars per year? Yes, yes I would. Problem is no one wants to see that, let alone pay for it. That is unless there’s a niche community of OF looking for an overweight Jew with a small wiener and even smaller self-esteem, if so I’m your guy. Nevertheless, when I say I want to be an Onlyfans model I don’t mean like Corinna Kopf or those girls that comment “am I thick for an 18yr old?” on every Instagram post. I want to be one of those OF models that never takes their clothes off and instead just completes some weird requests for cash. I could video chat random dudes telling them they’re a complete catch if they pay me for it. I’d even sell any of my excrement for the right price. You want me to lather myself up with oil and slide across a ping pong table like a seal? Sure, no problem. I know these sound like jokes, but they are all real things that extremely lucky women get to call their “career” and make upwards of six figures to do. Tell me the seal thing doesn’t just sound fun, you can’t. If you did, you’d just be lying.
Stay At Home Dad
Remember when we were growing up and people used to say things like “stay at home moms are the hardest working people on the planet?” Yeah, right. I used to believe that horsecrap, but after going to college for four years and living on my own, I can confidently say that buying groceries and making dinner is not that hard of a job. Sure, there’s laundry too, but I’d rather wash a bunch of kids’ shit-stained tighty-whities than work a 9-5. Half of your day as a stay at home parent your kid isn’t even there thanks to a thing we have called school. While it may not be safe nowadays it still gets those little turds out of the house and would give me ample time to play my Madden franchise. Honestly, this one is pretty attainable relative to the rest of the list. I just need my girlfriend to make about 100x more than she currently does, marry me, have children, and trust me not to kill them. That last part is gonna take a lot of convincing.
Wheel Of Fortune Host
For those of you who haven’t heard, Pat Sajak is retiring. Because this blog is called Total Frat Move I’ll just assume none of you know who that is. Pat has been the host of Wheel Of Fortune for decades now and has decided to leave the easiest job on planet Earth. All this man does is tell you how many of each letter is in the phrase and then make sure that you pronounce the winning clue correctly. I know the alphabet pretty well (I do still need to sing the song to find out what letter comes after one another), so I think it’s safe to say that I’d kill it as host. Hell, I’ll even help make the winning phrases. I mean how hard could it be to come up with “chicken pot pie” given the clue is “food & beverage?” The only thing holding me back from being the ideal candidate is that I’m not “television handsome,” but neither is Brian Windhorst and that guy is always on TV.
