Conall Lynch
I sat down to write one of my “Social Media Review” series about Facebook until I realized I already wrote a blog shitting on Facebook a year ago. So I thought it would be fun to post my old blog and see how my writing has changed. I present to you, a blog that got me yelled at by my boss for not being “frat enough”…
Cousin Fucking With Facebook
Possibly the worst social media in 2021 is Facebook. Oooh, go live with Instagram Live. Get the Facebook messaging app. Get a completely separate app for the app you already have in order for them both to work. Out of all the inbred fuck fest that is social media, the regular Facebook is the worst. Facebook is the cousin that shows up to the family reunion and doesn’t bring anything. He’s just… there. Yea he might pass you the salt, but that’s about it. He’s not gonna drive you to the airport. He’s not gonna go grocery shopping with you. He’s not gonna pick up your kids from school. He will shit in your kid’s mouths. He will grab each of your kid’s mouths, pull their teeth apart just until you hear the first crack of the jaw, and just feed your kids some bloody 3 am taco bell diarrhea straight down their throats. Because that’s what Facebook is. Facebook is just your distant cousin’s diarrhea in each of your child’s mouths.
My main issue with Facebook is that it tries to be relevant and unique, but it’s still the same shit. You still see the white moms posting photos of their kids or your old high school friend ranting about politics. I get turned on by trucks and my cousin, that’s why I have a confederate flag in my bio. Every so often there’s an interesting post or article to read, but you need to sift through all this other shit just to get there. I remember as a kid, using facebook was fun because it was one of the first social media… things. But in 2021, I can’t go on Facebook longer than 2 minutes without immediately closing the app and wanting to kill myself because of all the stupid people that still use it. They’ve really been trying with Facebook. Zuckerberg has so much money so he keeps trying to bring this bitch back from the dead. Buying Instagram, making Instagram live, making Facebook messaging app, Facebook Live, and that fucking Facebook marketplace. Fuck that one specifically. Jesus there’s just so much shit and so much advertising to do it. Introducing Facebook live! Go live with your friends all around the world with Facebook live. Fuck you cousin live with Instagram live. Kill your parent’s live to the entire world with Facebook live! It’s just two clicks away. Do it! Kill your parents! DO IT!
Remember when Facebook was all we had. It’s like that same cousin, that shits in your kid’s mouth, but back when you were kids. It was cool to see him and hang out every once in a while because he was cool in your mind. He was smoking cigarettes at 12, told you stories about how he got kicked out of school and showed you how to google “boobs”. But now that you’re all grown up and he’s crashing on your couch every day taking up storage on your phone, it’s just annoying. It’s sad to see him defeated and worn out because of the massive high you knew he had when you were kids. You want to tell him to get the fuck out or delete it off your phone, but then he’s probably going to die or you won’t be able to see what your mom tags you in case it’s actually something important. Or more accurately, Embarrassing.
Here’s my pitch for Facebook… Porn. Facebook needs to make porn. It would be a hard sell to the marketing team, but I think the Zuck-fuck can do it. If he was able to explain to senators how the internet works, I’m sure he can convince a marketing team to put some dildos in that shitty marketplace. Fuck you Mark Zuckerberg have my kids.
Jesus Christ I was an angry motherfucker last year…
