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My Villain Origin Story

People always ask me, “Alyssa, how did you become so hot and funny?” And I guess it could be traced back to a man named Jeff. Yes, his name was Jeff.

Jeff. He was not very cute, and he certainly was not very smart. But, he was very manipulative, which caused me to stick around for two years.

He used to think his manipulative ways gave him power over me, but they were actually slowly giving power to me. With every infraction, I became more and more powerful until I turned into what I am now – The Villain.

I remember the incident that eventually sent me over the edge. It happened within the first two weeks of our relationship, but it was always at the back of my mind, eating away at me.

I was brunette. We were at his friends apartment getting ready to watch Don’t Breathe, when his friend invited his girlfriend over. Well, his girlfriend brought a friend along with her. This friend was hot. And blonde. She was also rude and didn’t introduce herself to me, but introduced herself to Jeff, so I was in a bad mood, and definitely feeling a little insecure.

After watching her and Jeff eyefuck for over an hour, Jeff said, “hey maybe you should just go home.” Um? Excuse me? Why? So you could bang the hot blonde? Absolutely not. Not on my watch. My ass was not leaving that couch. And trust me, it didn’t.

Two weeks go by and Jeff dumped me for two hours. During those two hours, which felt like the end of the world at the time, Jeff told me that the hot blonde told him I was “rude” “psychotic” and “mentally ill.” He told me he couldn’t understand why “we can’t all be friends” and therefore, he cannot be with me.

After being the ultimate gaslighter and putting my emotions through the wringer, I think he realized the hot blonde was never going to bang his ugly ass, and he was able to manipulate his way back into my life.

After months pass, I asked him to tell me the real reason he asked me to go home during the movie that night, and turns out, my intuition never lies.

I spent the next year watching them snapchat and unfollow then refollow each other on Instagram, but I kept quiet because I knew my time was coming.

Soon, I would be blonde, and my life would change.

This incident singlehandedly convinced me to go blonde. And once I did, my life was forever better than his.

I became HOT, started causing chaos on social media, and here we are.

Not to get sappy, but now I live in my dream city with my best friend and make a substantial living off of social media :).

And Jeff? Well, he failed out of school, lost all his friends, and works at a burger place. Kinda sounds like the ending of Legally Blonde.

Men, take this as a lesson. Don’t cross your girlfriends because they will always turn out better than you.

In this weeks episode of So I Was Like, Becca and I talk about all of this and more. Click here to listen and don’t forget to subscribe and rate 5 stars 🙂

Written by Alyssa Schoener

One Comment

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  1. I’m sorry — Alyssa’s schtick atill isn’t believable. She’s ugly as fuck and she knows it. Embrace it like the fat O’Malley girl at barstool.

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