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5 Rooms You’ll Find In A Frat House

  1. The Brothel

Been talking to a girl all night but don’t want to make that walk across campus? Good news! This room is for those who need to “get in on”, but think a walk home will kill their party boner and somehow make the Sophmore Psych major less attractive. The brother who lives in this room is never home, leaves his room unlocked, and somehow doesn’t notice the cum stains on his sheets when he comes by once a week. People use his room exclusively for random hookups at every party and the occasional mental breakdown of a freshman nursing major.

  1. The Joe Rogan Experience

Use this room to get a free hit or two from the brother with a bigger weed budget than a Seth Rogan movie. All you see is weed, Wendy’s, and Warzone. All you hear is Pop Smoke, DaBaby, and the occasional Dua Lipa. You take a hit, watch a game, and talk to some really high brothers about life and “how you should totally come out for rush week”. It’s easily the best room in the house. The only bad experience you’ve had there is getting an unexpected phone call from your mom because you forgot your brother’s birthday.  

  1. The “Mancave”

 This room has been taken over by the brothers that don’t pay dues, make you watch Tik Toks, and really drive home how hard-working at the campus gym is. They are all at least one year super seniors that have their own house but choose to hang out and “show these new kids the ropes”. They treat this room as a 24/7 Ted Talk of political opinions, their sexual history, Robinhood “tips”, and how hard they had it during pledging. They act like Venus Frattraps, luring unsuspecting GDIs to their doom with how much they made on Gamestop.

  1. The Ski Lounge

Here’s a riddle: A business major wearing khakis, a girl with self-diagnosed depression, and your bitch ass all walk into a frat bathroom to do cocaine… who is the closest to killing themselves? This shit frat bathroom with even more shit coke is the place to get a quick party pick-me-up and recharge your social battery. The “Pit Stop” offers very little in terms of decor and stable human interaction, but more than makes up for it with… uh… Cocaine. The hardest part about the situation isn’t the cocaine, it’s trying not to stare at the girl’s tits when she leans over for a line. You rarely know the name of anyone involved but are dragged in by your friend who’s already done more coke than those stupid fucking polar bears.

  1. Area 51

This room is always locked. To your knowledge, Nobody has ever set foot in this room. Legend says it hasn’t been opened in over a year. You think it’s a bedroom but there’s no way to tell. The brothers lie about what’s in there every time you ask. Yea we keep extra jungle juice in there. That’s where the pledges who drop go. Don’t tell anyone but it’s Stefan Thomas’ Bitcoin password. Your friend swears he heard someone in there once, but you don’t listen to flat earthers. You’ve never seen what’s inside and it’s killing you. So much so that you pledged the frat SOLEY to find out what is behind that weirdly tan door.

Spoiler… it’s that one brother that is against partying and locks his door every party like a bitch.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

One Comment

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  1. I liked this.

    I wouldn’t use the brothel. That sounds dummy nasty. Sorry, girl. If you wanna get with me we can go to your room or you can come we me. Did I tell you I have an aquarium in my room?

    I had a brother who somehow had combination: Joe Rogan/Man Cave/Area 51(had to know how to get it but it was wild once you did).

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