Not too long ago, I wrote about Bob Saget being cancelled, which made me start to think about how there are a lot of people that have gotten cancelled that I wish really hadn’t – not that I’m saying anything they did was okay. It’s just that I would love if there were some way I could say publicly that I still love to watch Kevin Spacey movies or that I think Louis C.K. is hilarious. The fact of the matter is, though, that once these people get cancelled, any love you have for them has to kind of be in secret, which sucks a big dong, but what are you going to do? It would be great if I had more control over who royally fucked up, so that way I could eliminate these people from pop-culture. So, here are six people that I wish would get cancelled… woke white girls of Twitter, do your thing.
6. Lizzo
She’s 900 pounds and absolutely talentless. Hearing her music makes me want to throw myself down three to four flights of stairs – nothing that would kill me, but hospitalization would be nice. I know that her getting cancelled probably wouldn’t stop her from making music, but I feel like the same girls that blast whatever songs she sings are the same ones that would feel passionately that her music should not be played.
5. Brie Larson
Never in my life have I been so attracted to someone and hated them with so much passion. Every interview I’ve seen with her has only added to this hatred. I think that her getting black-balled from Hollywood would be a fantastic thing for everyone. Maybe if we get her out, she’ll have to resort to making an OnlyFans to stay relevant, which is something that I would absolutely be okay with.
4. Katy Perry
Okay. I can’t lie. I will never not rock the fuck out to “Firework” or “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” because they’re absolute bangers, but at the same time, I think we can collectively agree that her best days are behind her. All that she does now is annoy me and everyone I know, so if she could just get cancelled, I could scream the lyrics to “Hot N Cold” in my car without thinking about how much she sucks because everyone hated her that would be great.
3. Alex Rodriguez
Get that mother fucker off Shark Tank. Someone. Please. I can’t stand watching that dude. He juiced in his MLB career, and everyone just wants to forget about it. To make things worse, he has taken away my hopes to get it on with JLo since they’re back together now, apparently. Dick. Let Marky Cubes and Mr. Wonderful carry that show like they’ve been doing and get that turd burglar out of the public eye.
2. Jake Paul
His brother got cancelled. He should be next. His YouTube channel is pure AIDS, and he’s only become more insufferable since winning a few fights. The man has the audacity to say he could take McGregor, which is just one of the absolute stupidest statements of all time. I’d actually pay for that fight instead of illegally streaming it if it meant I could watch that pussy get his ass fucking whooped by the GOAT.
1. Cardi B
Of all the people on this list, Cardi B actually deserves to get cancelled. She straight up raped guys and has admitted to it, and no one seems to want to do anything about it. On top of that, she, much like Lizzo, makes the musical equivalent of a steaming diarrhea session, and ruined the absolute banger “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 with her verse in it. I hate her.
