Texting a girl is always simple, in theory at least. Be the funniest, softest version of yourself, and see if she’s willing to spend an evening on your unwashed sheets. Texting a guy is much more complicated. The sexual desire in a text conversation between a man and woman is replaced by suspicion of ulterior motives when two straight men text. As a result of this, I think it’s necessary to create a guide to texting another man.
Step 1: Make Your Intentions Clear
The great thing about talking to someone who you aren’t mentally undressing a man, is you have no one to impress. Maybe you want him to think that you can bench a lot, or drink more than he can. Either way, if you aren’t trying to have sex with him, let him know. Typically starting a conversation off by saying, “I don’t want to have sex with you btw,” is enough to clear the air. Now you can exchange mirror pics in the gym without it being weird. Just make sure you say by the way, so he knows you’re saying it casually.
Step 2: Bond Over Guy Stuff
After the two of you have made it clear that neither of you will be trying to have sex with the other one, you can proceed with your conversation. One great way to do this is to talk about guy stuff. You can talk about cars, the female body, or LeBron James. Maybe throw them all together and say something like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if LeBron James and Alexandra Daddario were in a Camaro together?” This step is entirely about creating a common ground with your fellow man. Nathan Fielder has mastered this method of male bonding, and you should too.
Step 3: Make Your Point
I recently moved and had to ask the previous tenants many questions over text. Once I told him that his gender made me uninterested in being intimate with him, and asked him several questions about grilling meats, I addressed our reason for talking in the first place. I asked him if him and his roommates were planning on leaving any couches behind for me and my roommates to use. He said no, but I didn’t want to make him think I was angry for this. As a result I decided to say, “No worries. Moving that thing will probably be easy for a beefcake like you.” A compliment keeps the positive vibe of the conversation going while you proceed to addressing the topic at hand.
Step 4: Elevate the Conversation
After you have become familiar and friendly with this new pal of yours, it is imperative to elevate the conversation to a point that will cement your bond. One way of doing this is asking, “Do you have a good relationship with your father?” If their answer is yes, a simple, “Tell me about the most traumatic experience of your life,” should do. This will guaruntee this person views you as a close friend. Just don’t share your personal experiences. It’s important to leave them wanting more.
Once you’ve done all of these steps, the guy you are texting is guaranteed to think you are a cool, normal person.
