You wake up to a Snapchat from a girl you’re friends with leaving the AEPi house, where it appears she enjoyed her own version of Uncut Gems last night. This causes you to get nostalgic about the once-great app that has gone from private stories of drunk girls peeing in the street to pop-up columns about Jefree Star getting canceled because an out of context clip of him reading the Spanish translation on a black Crayola crayon has resurfaced. In an homage to the app where you discovered you like girls, you send a poop pick to the boys from home.
Because your hungover and your piss was the color was resemblant of the “not okay to fly” label on the Family Guy race card, you make your way over to the Brita. The College House brita is everything the Spanish thought they were to the Native Americans:
- It washes you of your sins.
- It maximizes your potential.
- Above all it makes you feel civilized.
Because you have no class today, you decide to fire up YouTube, get past a five second ad about some guy talking about something called Mudwater, and watch Russel Brand give an objectively better rundown on the news than any of the multibillion dollar corporations that do a terrible job doing so.
Two hours into teetering between screens, your boy barges into your room screaming that he got posted on dyeislife. While both his catch and dyeislife are sick, he thinks he’s going to be eating at Saddle Ranch next week because he Odeled a Fifa is going to get annoying to you humble him by throwing a picture from last weekend into the GroupMe. Seventeen likes. Nice. You enter your living room, where your roommate is watching Pam & Tommy on Hulu. Sort of like being at a strip club, nobody is going to admit how their body is reacting to Lily James playing Pam Anderson. Still, there’s a staggered disappearance of guys leaving the living room to head back to their quarters and fire up a certain website with Halloween colors.
After disposing of the toxic liquid that is solely responsible for you blowing all the money you made lifeguarding last summer on lemon drop shots, you ask GroupMe if anyone is interested in hucking quadrilaterals.
