Dating apps suck. After a rough two weeks on the app that were filled with unreciprocated swipes, a few men who don’t understand how the sites work, and a surprisingly friendly sex worker, I went to my friends and their girlfriends for advice. Apparently, there is some game that everyone on these apps plays to make their profile stand out. I allowed them to edit my profile in an attempt to find sexual satisfaction from somewhere other than my hand. That didn’t change the fact that I still want to present an honest image of myself on the internet, just in case my soulmate wants to wander by the site and fall in love with me.
Work:
I get paid to make dick and fart jokes. I guess the title is blogger.
Education:
I’m on pace to graduate Temple after four and a half years. This is the fastest a man in my family will have ever graduated college, by two years.
Religious Beliefs:
Went to catholic school, and abandoned it after hearing Joe Rogan talk about eating mushrooms.
Sexuality:
Straight, but likes to joke around with the boys.
Age:
22 physically, 12 mentally.
Height:
5’11”. I get terrified people will know I’m lying when I say 6’.
Ethnicity:
White, borderline see through.
Hobbies:
Who actually has hobbies? I guess the closest thing about me to be considered a hobby is my lifelong journey to see every movie ever made. I also like to smoke medical marijuana recreationally.
Interests:
The hottest girl on this app that has low enough self-esteem to go out with a sexually inexperienced ginger who needs you to laugh at his jokes for validation. That’s all I’m interested in.
Two Truths and a Lie
I like crossing streams with my friends while drunk, and at this point I’ve probably seen my friend’s penis more than his girlfriend has.
The first time I had sex, I got nervous, couldn’t finish, and then proceeded to make the girl be the big spoon so I didn’t have to look at her.
My middle name is Joseph. (This is the lie.)
Written Prompts
A recent shower thought I just had was:
If you tell someone you masturbated for ten minutes in one day, it sounds a lot better than telling someone you masturbated five times that day.
First round is on me if:
You look at me, and are a woman.
My favorite line from a movie:
“We shouldn’t have come here. I’m allergic to waffles.” Delivered by Zach Galifinakis in a Waffle House in the movie Due Date.
What do you say? Do you or some lucky woman you know find yourself aroused by the answers to these questions? I’m an open book. More specifically, a book who’s trying to turn his paperback into a hard back, if you know what I’m saying.
