Over the course of my career avoiding responsibility and getting high instead, I have made a number of personal connections. The two-minute interactions you have with your weed guy in a 7-Eleven parking lot builds a surprising connection between you and your local entrepreneur. I’ve also learned that despite how many of these guys you meet, they fit into one of four categories. Here are the different guys you buy weed from.
The Nice Guy
This guy sits in the passenger seat of your car and asks you how your day is going. Every. Time. It’s not because he is being polite, but because he genuinely wants to know how you’re doing. His clientele is also his social circle, and he truly loves that. He is well aware that he is helping people take the edge off at the end of their day, and because he is passionate about THC it gives him purpose in life. Nearly every single person in his Snapchat thinks that they are his best friend, and he is “hooking them up for the low.” He’s not. He just has excellent prices, and unmatched customer service. If you can, drive thirty minutes to make him your regular supply. He’s totally worth it. I’ve
The Gary Cooper (Strong, Silent Type)
This might be the most popular guy to buy weed from. He is in it for the business opportunities, and because his laziness will prevent him from ever achieving this legally. Over the course of twenty meetups, he might say a hundred words. Every time, he looks like his dog got run over on the way to meeting you. If you bring someone around when you buy off of him, they think they are going to get shot. He suffers from his inability to look like anything other than a drug dealer. But he is reliable as long as you stay on his good side. Just don’t bother asking him if you can Venmo. Since he already posted that you can’t on his story, he’s just going to curve you. At the end of the day, your thirty-dollar eighth means nothing to him, so just play by his rules.
Your Drug Dealer Friend
You walk into his house without knocking. You both know he’s in the middle of a game of Apex: Legends right now, so both of you prefer this. You’re aware that he’s not going to stop what he’s doing to serve you. So you grab his bong and take a free sample of what you were going to buy anyway. You tell him about your life, and you might actually hang out for the end of that twenty-minute Joe Rogan clip he wanted to show you. Sometimes you cock-block him when you go out, simply because you know if he goes home alone you can chief his endless supply of bud. You take advantage of him the way you do with any of your other friends, but he has more to offer so it’s way better.
The Sketch Ball
This is the guy you have no business going to. You got his Snapchat through a friend of a friend of a friend. The whisper down the lane that got you his number also came back with a positive review of his services, so you move forward in this process. He will respond to you in either fifteen seconds, or forty-five minutes. As a result of this, this transaction slowly takes place over the course of two incredibly frustrating hours. When you do finally agree on a setting for your meetup, you wait ten minutes for him to show while you sit at the sketchiest intersection within fifteen miles of your house. When he does show up, he says “Yo,” drops a bag into your open window, and grabs the money within a ten second span. He walks away and somehow disappears before your very eyes. You and your friends roll it into a Backwood and pass it around while pondering if the whole experience was worth it.
