I don’t know how to preface this. We all send bullshit emails to our professors every now and blah blah blah. You get it. Here is what those emails actually mean.
Email:
Hello Professor Johnson,
Good morning. I am feeling under the weather this morning and won’t be able to make it to class this morning. I have already looked at the Canvas page for this week and updated myself with what I will miss today. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday for class.
Sincerely,
Derek Beavers
Translation:
Hey Gus,
You waking me up this early twice a week is cruel, especially considering your fascist attendance policy. Two skips are not nearly enough, but I’m using one of them today because my hangover feels like it might be Ebola. I will never learn what you taught today, but it’s my day off so don’t bother me about it.
Insincerely,
The red head who sits in the back and never participates
Email:
Hello Dr. Wang,
I apologize for messaging you so late at night. I have been working on the Essay #2 which is due tonight at midnight and do not think I will have enough time to finish a quality essay on time. I have been very busy with work and class this week and have simply not had sufficient time to get it done. I know you have a strict late policy, so I understand if you have to penalize my grade. I just wanted you to be aware that my late submission is so I can submit the essay as I intended to write it, instead of just submitting my rough draft. Thanks so much for your help.
Best wishes,
Derek Beavers
Translation:
Hello Dr. *checks Canvas to remember her name* Wang,
I know you were asleep when I sent this message so I’m just going to get ahead of that right now. I didn’t realize that essay was due in forty-five minutes and I have not started it. My roommates and I are in the midst of a Harry Potter rewatch that has claimed my free time this week. Your late policy is possibly going to make whatever garbage I’m about to write a waste of my time, but I’m throwing this Hail Mary anyway. Be impressed when you get an email from me at 1:31 am, because in my eyes two hours is pretty good for writing 1,000 words about the rise of democracy between chops. Thank you for making my life impossible.
I hope your identity gets stolen,
Beavers
Email:
Hello Dr. Pecker,
I apologize for sending you this email so late in the semester. I fell behind in your class early in the semester, and have since missed more assignments than I realized. I have been very overwhelmed with work, classes, and my family recently and I was unable to give the class as much time as I wanted to. I recently checked my grade, and as it currently stands, I have missed too many points to pass the class. I was hoping you would allow me a chance to complete the work I missed so I still have a chance to pass the class. I understand this is an inconvenience to you, but this class is vital for me to graduate on time. I completely get it if you can’t do this, but it would be more helpful than you can imagine.
Thanks again,
Derek Beavers
Translation:
Hi Dr. Pecker,
It’s nice to meet you. I can’t believe I pushed all the work for your class to the last two weeks. Lack of planning on my end, I guess. I took you way too seriously when you said you’d have to try to fail your class to not get a passing grade. I haven’t completed any assignments since the intro discussion board, and my percentage of classes attended wouldn’t even be a good batting average. I’m going to fail unless you’re feeling particularly heroic this evening, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m willing to do all necessary ass kissing for you to throw me this bone. Give me sympathy.
One more kiss on the ass,
Derek
