Everything You Need To Know About Baseball In Three Minutes

The Philadelphia Phillies are running their organization like I would play MLB the Show at the age of 13, and I fucking love it. Yes, a big part of the reason Carlos Correa signed a 105 million dollar contract last week was that he’s better at blocking balls from getting past him than that one DUFF every girl friend group has when guys walk over to them at bars, but Castellanos and Schwarber are fun as hell. This season, my entire Twitter timeline might just end up being Jared Carrabis tweets of balls getting crushed at Citizens Bank Park. There are some bullpen concerns for Philly, but there’s no reason to leave them of any top ten list in pre-season power rankings.

In the news, what the fuck are the Colorado Rockies doing? It feels like the Michael Scott scene snip-snap-snip-snap-snip-snap. I get that they wanted Story back, but the Kris Bryant signing feels like their GM is having a mid-life crisis. As a Kris Bryant fan that’s developed a semi-homosexual infatuation with him, he got wayy too much money. The Rockies also signed Ryan McMahon back, so I guess the plan is to hope that these guys have great early thirties, and their twenty-fourth ranked farm system plugs the holes.

The Boston Red Sox signed Trevor Story to a six-year contract, and Yankees fans started acting like thirteen-year-old girls when One-Direction broke up on Twitter. Boston now has debatably the best infield in baseball and it feels like one of those years where the Red Sox start off a little slow and grab more arms than a girl named Krystal at a basement party at the deadline. The AL East is going to be a bigger dogfight than Moonlight road in 2005.

After years of Dodger’s fans berating him after blowing five saves a year, Kenley Jansen is a Brave. This is a great signing for Atlanta. As for other notable pickups besides Freddie, since the last time we talked, Jorge Solar goes to Miami- good for Marlins man. Cubs snag Drew Smylley. Pineda to the Tigers. One last thing I want to touch on, Cleveland Guardians, I don’t know how your scouts do it, but it seems like you’ve got another great crop of pitchers.

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