After going from working as a line cook at a bar to telling overly personal details of my sex masturbatory life, my work schedule has switched up quite a bit. Despite this, I find that many of the people I’ve worked with in these two places have been very similar to each other. I’ve determined that no matter where you work, there are a few coworkers that will be everywhere you go.
The Alcoholic
This one is simple. One coworker always has a drinking problem. This person has perfect attendance on work bar trips. The next day, everyone will be talking about their behavior, and they will be too hungover to notice the side eyes everyone is giving them. You can always finesse them into buying you a round, and they’re actually pretty fun if you get them between drinks four and six.
The Social Pariah
No matter how tight it is, there is some social circle at your workplace. After spending enough time pretending to pay attention to the same instructions from your underqualified boss, you guys form at least somewhat of a connection. The thing that always brings the group together at work, is the shared hatred for one coworker. If you try to be nice and show them interest, they dominate the conversation by lecturing you on why Pulp Fictionsucks. If you don’t know who this person is work, it’s you.
The Prom Queen
Who do you have the biggest crush on at work? It doesn’t matter, because every other man you work with has the same answer. She was asked out by coworkers thrice in her first two months on the job. One was the handsome guy you work with she now dates. The other two are the alcoholic, and the least likely person in the world for her to have sex with. Pursuing a sexual encounter with her isn’t worth your time. But starting a casual work flirt with her will surely make your job better.
The Funny Young Guy
If your place of work has any room for someone in high school to help out, it’s this person. This person has no business being this funny at an age where most people are learning how to drink beer and take off a bra. In the kitchen job I worked, we had an eighteen-year-old who only spoke when he had a critique for our boss. He was great at his job though, so he hung around until he disappeared into the night without a warning. I still think about him.
The Tenure Guy
This person has been around since the building opened up, and is the one the boss goes to when they have a question. They are unfireable and they know it. As a result, they also care the absolute least about their job. The fantasy they always preach daily about, “Getting out of this place” is the only thing that gets them through a shift. I once heard one of these guys tell our boss, “You suck at this, asshole.” Our boss responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Get on their good side, they call the shots.
