It’s my mother’s birthday. You can feel free to leave her a happy birthday in the comments, or instead go back to the regularly scheduled questioning of my intelligence. Either way, I woke up today and realized that I had nothing for my mother on the anniversary of her birth. I’ve been having a morning long brain storm, and here are ideas I’ve come up with, not that my siblings have helped at all.
BAD: Clothing
If I knew what clothing my mother likes to wear, I’d also give you my predictions for this upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. I can’t do either of those things. Next.
GOOD: A Gift Card for Clothes
You might even have one that she gave you for your birthday. It’s simple, but it works.
BAD: Sponges
I actually felt pretty confident about this one. I texted this idea to my father, and explained to him that she loves cleaning and stuff like that, so she should love sponges. My dad claims that it’s offensive to assume my mom’s favorite thing in the world is cleaning on her one special day. To that I ask, is Mother’s Day not also her special day. Hallmark sucks.
GOOD: Fancy Sponges
Middle-age women get excited about three things: wine, the Kardashians, and those sponges with the faces on them. Obviously I know what a Scrub Daddy is, but they can’t even remember a name that catchy.
BAD: Crock-Pot
Anyone who would like a Crock-Pot as a gift already has a Crock-Pot, which sucks.
GOOD: A New Air Fryer
This means you can take their old air fryer. Everyone wins.
BAD: A Hitman
As much as she talks about, “killing your father,” she would’ve smothered him in his sleep years ago if she meant it. She will not be happy when you give her the contact information for someone to kill your father. I promise.
GOOD: A Hotel Room without Your Father
He snores. This would be cool.
BAD: Bed, Bath & Beyond Gift Card
How did the go-to gift store for every mom-holiday shut down. What’s next, are you going to tell me JC Penney shut down?
GOOD: An Amazon Gift Card
Tell her it’s for, “That thing you told me about.” She will be so touched that you remembered.
