Harry Potter’s F*ck Boy Summer – Book 2: The Chamber of Cleavage
One of the problems that comes from living with my aunt and uncle is that it’s really hard to find enough time to properly masturbate. It’s pretty easy to point my wand down and use the “orgasmus” spell, but jerking off is one of the few things that is a lot more fun to do the muggle way. If I’m going to keep sexually performing at high levels, I gotta build up a stamina that just won’t happen if I keep taking shortcuts. With Ron’s house filled with people all the time, he runs into very similar issues. So, we decided that today we’re going to be looking for a place to stroke our flesh wands in peace.
One of the best things about being “The Chosen One” is that Dumbledore pretty much lets me do whatever I want. That includes popping over to Hogwarts anytime I feel like it. Ron and I decide to make a trip over to see if we can find somewhere in the castle that could function as our own personal masturbation sanctuary. We run into Fred and George when we arrive and get a good laugh when they tell us they’re figuring out how to magically switch the placement of Filch’s taste buds to his butthole.
Ron and I realize that we’re not going to be able to just stroll around the grounds and find a place on our own, so we decide to consult one of the school ghosts, Moaning Marcus. Moaning Marcus is Moaning Myrtle’s cousin, but he got his name in a different way. Myrtle died by looking a basilisk in the eye, but Marcus died from over-masturbation, moaning as both he and his heart stopped beating. There’s a school rumor that Marcus discovered some kind of secret jerk-off palace, filled with the best wizarding porn out there. Naturally, Ron and I need to get a hold of him.
After a little bit of time spent searching for him, we eventually find Moaning Marcus in the Ravenclaw girl’s dormitory, stroking his ghost donger. He doesn’t stop what he’s doing when we start talking to him, which is off-putting except that it proves we definitely came to the right place. He recognizes us for the go-getting self-pleasuring guys that we are, and for the price of a two-month subscription to BBWGalore.com (Big Busty Witches), he’ll tell us all about the rumored house of autosexual acts. We cough up the twenty-five galleons almost immediately, and he tells us where to find it.
It’s located in the dungeons just past the Slytherin common room, and it takes pussaltongue to be opened. Lucky for us, pussaltongue isn’t far off from parsaltongue, so I speak a little bit and can let us in. The doors open, and we know we’ve made it. Every ounce of wizard porn we could have imagined is right there in front of us. There’s also enough moisturizer and tissues to last a lifetime. Across the walls the name of the room is written in big letters: The Chamber of Cleavage.
Surprisingly, J.K. Rowling didn’t write this. It was actually Strokes.
