Earlier this week, my co-worker Caroline posted a “how to” blog about dick pics. The following is my response:
Addressing the elephant in the room here: obviously, we are no longer in middle school. The time where we would jump through any amount of hoops to convince the hottest girl on the eighth-grade soccer team to send you a grainy, 3-second picture in a sports bra has long passed. With age comes maturity and with maturity comes spending $23.74 on rounds of lemon-drop shots to swoon a girl you met an hour and a half ago to hop into a Nissan Leaf that’s seven minutes away. However, we are at the height of Coronavirus. Maybe you’re quarantining with a few friends for a week and a half, maybe your parents don’t want you leaving the house, or maybe you just haven’t gotten pussy since people were eating tide pods for a drop of internet clout. Regardless of your situation, chances are you’re giving that girl that’s slightly overweight with a song by the Glass Animals the most unnecessarily aggressive pickup lines that Tinder has ever seen. Brandi Love’s propensity to be a devoted step-mom will only get a man so far,so you’re on the cusp of sending a dick pic for the first time since you played a JV sport…and here’s how to properly do it using the AMSS system.
Assess The Situation: You’re old enough to know if this girl wants to see what you’re working with. If your conversations have surpassed talking about her ambitions of becoming a dentist’s assistant and you’re deep into describing whether or not she likes a pinky in the butt… it’s time for blastoff. But you can’t just be the Andrew Wiggins of dick pics. In your horny mind, there may not be consequences after you send an unsolicited dick pic and block that chick on Snapchat, but it’s 2021… there’s consequences for making your daughter open a can of beans by herself. If you’ve established you have the green light; it’s time for prep. If you’re a lotion guy, it’s time to maneuver some sort of workstation. If you’re a spit guy, it’s time to approach this next ten minutes with the same level of preparation an AP Chemistry teacher has before a lab.
Make It Look Pretty: Nothing is particularly aesthetically pleasing about the male body. Now’s your chance to take some hacks in the batter’s box. If you haven’t already gone from six to twelve, now would be the time to call upon your good friend Cory Chase. You want to make sure you’re watching SOME porn, but you can’t get sucked in. My suggestion is to wait until she gets stuck in the dryer and then swipe(click the home button if you’re poor) the fuck out of Safari. Now it’s time to see if your Johnson is feeling photogenic today. If you’re in a cold room, evacuate to the bathroom immediately. This is your prep time.
Shoot Your Shot: That girl from eight miles away that sent you a picture of her in a black bralette is Gordon Ramsey, and your penis is seared scallops. You’re on the clock now. You need to be switching back and forth from Snapchat to Safari with the ferocity of a coked-up ’80s stock-broker. There is no room for Andy Reid esque mismanagement of the clock. You need to make sure you don’t come before you see everything you’re doing this for. This is why we play. If your phone is dropping on your face or the floor or worse yet…the toilet, you need to be on high alert. You can’t lose a month’s worth of rent seeing a girl with her Zodiac sign in her Tinder bio play with her titties.
Separate Entirely: “You see, she thinks she’s broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who was afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again” -Dennis Reynolds. It’s time for a Thank You snap text and a nap. You deserve it.