The NFL season is officially less than one week away. That’s right, football is back. We are finally transitioning into the best time of year — pumpkin spice has returned, temperatures are dropping enough for girls to begin wearing yoga pants again, and sportsbooks are offering first timer user promos like crack dealers. Life is perfect. Well, almost.
There is still one more thing you need to do in order to ensure you have the most relaxing season of Sunday degeneracy possible — have the talk with your girlfriend. Not the “we’re done” talk or the “it’s not fucking mine!?!?!” talk. I mean the “it’s football season ground rules” talk. You see, women don’t understand how much the NFL season impacts a man’s life. Of course there is the time commitment and financial risks that are involved, but women don’t even understand the emotional toll that seven hours of commercial free football does to a man. That’s why you need to talk to your girlfriend. She needs to know that although she is the number one thing in your life, she is second on Sunday as well as Monday and Thursday nights. That could be a tricky conversation to have, so I did you all a favor and wrote out a little script of how you should approach the subject. Feel free to use this as a guideline for your own discussion and make your own personal changes, or just use this as is if you’re lazy. Good luck, gentlemen.
You: Baby, we need to talk.
Immediately, your girlfriend’s heart drops. She thinks you are breaking up with her. Now she will be relieved when she hears the real news.
GF: Is something wrong?
She is freaking out on the inside. You got her right where you want her.
You: No, I just need to tell you something.
GF: What is it?
You: Football is back.
She is visibly confused. Clearly this doesn’t seem like big news to her. Obviously she is wrong.
GF: So?
You: Well, with football coming back, there are a few things you should know.
GF: Okay, such as?
She is already giving you attitude, classic.
You: For starters, no more brunch. I love bottomless mimosas and french toast for the table just as much as the next guy, but I’m just not going to have the time. I’m going to be very busy managing two fantasy teams, crafting anytime TD scorer parlays, and rooting in the (insert your favorite team here). That means all day Sunday I need to be in front of a TV. You are welcome to join me if you’d like, but all of my friends will also be there. If you do decide to join, please be aware that you will have no idea what we are rooting for and questions will not be tolerated.
Notice how you invite her to join while also making it sound unappealing. That way you get credit for trying to hang out without her actually disrupting your Sunday festivities.
GF: Why wouldn’t I know who you are rooting for? Can’t you just tell me?
You: I wish, but it’s not that easy. You see, on any given Sunday I have several rooting interests. First and foremost, I have the (favorite team). If they don’t win, the day is automatically ruined. Next up, I have my fantasy teams. There are so many players in multiple different leagues that half the time even I don’t know who I want to play well. Finally, I have my bets. There will be approximately $500 in pending bets every Sunday. The thing is that the bets are all so different and diverse, I don’t know what has a chance of actually winning until around halftime in the early slate. You see, there is this thing called a “spread.” Actually wait, you probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. Basically, the point is, my “best case scenario” each week is constantly changing. Sometimes I’ll be rooting for the team I bet on to not score so they can go to overtime and cover. Other times, a meaningless garbage time touchdown will have me in tears. It really all depends on the week. So to answer your question, even I don’t know who I’m rooting for.
GF: How is it fun if you don’t know what you want to happen?
You: I mean, it’s not really about fun. When I was 5 years old I chose to be a (favorite team) fan. Since that day, I have pledged my allegiance to them year after year, game after game, no matter what. When they lose, I go into a deep depression that I can’t escape until at least the next day. When we win, I kind of just carry on with my day. Of course I’m happy, but it’s not so much that we won as it is that we just didn’t lose.
GF: That sounds horrible.
You: Yep, but it’s just something I need to do.
GF: So will I not see you all of Sunday?
I hope so.
You: No, of course not, baby. Sunday Countdown starts at 10am. That’s when I set my lineups and place my bets for the day. Then there are games from 1pm until around 7:30pm and Sunday Night Football at 8:20pm. If I don’t go out drinking the night before, I can probably be up at 9am for breakfast before countdown. Or worst case, we can just grab a quick dinner in between the afternoon slate and SNF. Well, that’s if I can even afford dinner.
GF: What do you mean “if you could afford” it?
You were hoping she would pick up on that last remark. Here is your chance to warn her of the real downsides of football season.
You: I’m glad you asked. Some days are better than others. About 99% of the time, I’m going to lose money betting on football. However, it’s often worth it for the entertainment value. Sometimes, the entertainment isn’t worth the hundreds of dollars. In fact, there are a few times each season where the entertainment value was too high and I ended up tossing away more money trying to dig myself out of the hole. On days like this, we don’t eat.
GF: Can we at least still have sex at night? You are so good at it and I love it so much. I need it.
You: Unfortunately, I can’t make any promises. Of course I’d love to have sex, but it’s not always up to me. If my bets go south and my team loses, there is a pretty good chance I won’t be able to perform. I’m sorry, but it’s just the truth. That said, if all goes well I’ll beat it up like Joe Mixon.
That joke works and isn’t offensive because she probably won’t get it, so don’t sweat it.
GF: This whole football thing sounds like a lot. Is there anything else I should know?
You: Oh yes, so much. I’ll just rattle them off to save time. I will never have a voice on Monday mornings as a result of screaming at the TV all day. I need a full case of beer put in the refrigerator every Saturday night in preparation. If you text me, expect an answer that is three words or less. You will see my cry at some point in the season. Some of the players may be younger than me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t look up to them as role models. And most importantly, jinxes of any kind will result in immediate banishment.
GF: Wow, that sounds intense.
You: That’s because it is.
GF: Babe, I had no idea how draining football season is for you. I’ll make sure to do everything I can to make this the best season possible for you. I love you so much and can’t wait to earn enough money to support the both of us so you never have to work a day in your life.
Wow, what a response! Who saw that coming? You just absolutely crushed that conversation. Not only did you get her off your back for the next 20 Sundays, but you also just became a kept man. Great success!
