Yesterday morning,I went to take a shit while my coffee was brewing when I came across Dixie D’Amelio’s Instagram profile. I have ignored the D’Amelio sister’s overwhelming success for about two years now, but when I saw that she had TWENTY-FOUR MILLION Instagram followers, my blood began to boil. TWENTY-FOUR MILLION followers for making three videos a day semi-erotically dancing to Sean Paul? FUCK THAT. Lana Rhoades can shoot ping pong balls out of her asshole and doesn’t have that many followers. I knew it was time to put my old trolling cape back on and conjure up a rumor about Dixie D’Amelio that was so strange, so clearly written by somebody mentally ill that nobody would even question it.
So I made a Facebook account pretending to be a woman in her late fifties who could pass off as one of Dixie’s old teachers and joined every teaching Facebook group I could find.
After gaining admission, I would copy and paste this message(don’t read it if it’s too long, there’s a video that coincides):
Have any of you ever had a student that rose to the ranks of being famous? I have…and let me tell you… it’s fascinating. For thirteen years, I was a fifth-grade teacher at the King School adjacent to Greenwich, CT. At a prestigious private school like King, I wasn’t a stranger to last names that carried some weight. King has a reputation as the destination for the children of hedge fund managers…and the place where the D’Amelio girls grew into their creative identities. Yes- the two Tik Tok STARS are products of my classroom (my husband is very quick to mention this at cocktail parties 🤣). I had the privilege of teaching both Charli and Dixie, and to this day, I will always speak highly of both of them.
Charli was a clear extrovert. I remember being impressed with her refined social skills at an early age. It feels like yesterday I grading a litany of papers about the art of dance in different cultures. Her “About Me” paper (an assignment I had students complete every year) remains in a manila folder in my living room cupboard. Dixie was much different than Charli. She was standoffish, quiet, and unique from the other girls in her grade. Her father Marc and I always saw her ability to bring a room to tears with her voice, but she struggled mightily with stage fright. On the eve of tryouts for our February concert, Dixie stayed behind in my classroom when the bell rang. She confided in me that she wanted to audition for the lead role of Erzulie in Once On This Island, but she didn’t think she had the courage to sing in front of the fifth-grade teaching staff. As somebody who also struggled with this issue as a girl, I saw my younger self in Dixie and pushed her to use a coping mechanism that got me through high school theatre classes. A great way to overcome anxiety is by keeping a small ziplock bag of your favorite snack on your person and running your fingers over the texture of the bag before you’re set to take stage. When I asked Dixie what her favorite snack was, she let out a laugh and said, “baked beans.” Unconventional, sure, but I conveyed to her that we could work with that. The next day I made my way to the teacher’s lounge before auditions, filled a small plastic bag with baked beans, and handed it off to Dixie. With a crutch for her anxiety and her god-given ability, she landed a lead role. The rest of the year on test day, I would have a tiny bag of baked beans ready to go whenever I saw Dixie showing signs of general anxiety. I remained close with the D’Amelio family; Dixie even interviewed me for a paper she wrote senior year. As she got up to leave my classroom, she let out a smile and pulled out a bag of baked beans from her backpack. “It still works Mrs. T,” she said as I saw her for the last time. As many teachers know, some students will stick with you your entire life, and Dixie is one of those students for me. I still get the family Christmas card every year, and sometimes when I see Dixie fidget with her right pocket, I know that despite leaving her small town for Hollywood, she’s still my little bean girl.
I made a Tik Tok explaining the situation and got permanently banned from the app after it began to take off (maybe because I said the word bitch), and realized I needed help from someone who had a decent following on the platform. That’s where Grace O’Malley stepped in. Being the ferda girl she is, Grace was cool making an explanation video to her following of over 150,000.
And after she got it out last night, it began to EXPLODE.
So much so that Dixie is disabling comments on her Instagram and deleting Tik Toks people comment “bean girl” on.
If you’re a fan of me, or if you’re a fan of TFM, don’t let Beangate die just because you know the answers. Let it be like Santa Clause. Choose in your heart to believe that Dixie D’Amelio keeps baked beans in her right pocket when she goes on Fallon
