Whoever allowed Hallmark to have such a tight grasp on our lives once every three months needs to receive capital punishment. These money-grubbing bastards have an entire roster of made-up days that require you to buy a card and a gift for someone in your life. On Valentine’s Day your girlfriend gets flowers. On Father’s Day, you give your dad some man stuff, like a hammer or something. And on Mother’s Day, you come read this blog. Because at one point, I’d like to think I was just as clueless as what to get my mother as you probably are, but I have since found the perfect list of items to get the woman who used to wipe your poopy butt hole.
Flowers
Whose mom doesn’t love a nice bouquet of flowers. This is definitely the safety option for most people, and for good reason. You can get a decent bundle of flowers for pretty cheap at the grocery store, and for even cheaper at the local cemetery. If you don’t know which kind to buy, call the girl you’ve lied to yourself about having a chance of hooking up with, and ask what she would buy. Even if you tune out as soon as she says the word chrysanthemum, you’ll look like a great son, which is a total panty dropper. At the end of the day, if your mom has a reason to use that vase her sister got her when she was at the local thrift shop, you did a good job.
Gift Cards
I promise you your mom has a hobby that bores the absolute hell out of you. Odds are everything needed for this hobby can be purchased at Michaels, so that’s always a great start. After that, you have every store your mother ever took you to buy new shoes for school and got distracted looking at all of the stuff she could wear to Barb’s house for her Fourth of July pool party. Kohl’s, JC Penney, or whatever department store is still open at your closest mall should work. If none of these feel right for your mother, get a gift card to her favorite restaurant. Even better, get a gift card to your dad’s least favorite restaurant. Maybe if he doesn’t want to go you catch an invite and then your gift is basically for yourself. Also, his holiday is coming up. He can wait.
A Plane Ticket
Now this one might be a little expensive, but it’ll guarantee waiver priority over your siblings when it comes time to read their will one day. Notice how I said plane ticket, not tickets. This is because to really nail this gift, you send your mother somewhere the rest of your family can’t bother her. Let’s be honest, the biggest task your saint of a mother has to do any given day is putting up with the bullshit you and the rest of your idiotic family complain about to her. She would probably love a break from you guys. Send her somewhere nice but cheap, like Florida. She won’t care. As long as she can shut her eyes for a night or two without hearing the deathly sounds your dad makes when he’s sleeping, she’ll be over the moon.
Vibrator
Maybe you should just ship this one to your house without any mention of where it came from. When your mom puts it together that everyone else got her something but you, and a mysterious package arrived several days ago, she’ll know who it was from. It might be an uncomfortable thought, but she will love it more than you wish to know.
