It’s Friday. I’m tired. I just wanna drink. I don’t feel like coming up with anything truly creative. Because of that, I’m just going to write down some of my all time favorite stories of my poops and farts.
I Shat My Pants Into a Mic
During quarantine, my buddies and I would play video games deep into the night, and as we did that, I elected to get really drunk. One night when I was more hammered than I realized, I thought it would be hilarious to rip a huge fart into my headset’s microphone, and when I pushed it out, I unintentionally crapped my pants. I had to waddle to the bathroom, deal with the brown nugget in underwear, and turn my PlayStation off in shame.
I Pooped at Machu Picchu
There wasn’t anything particularly funny or embarrassing about this one. I just thought that it was cool that I took a shit in one of the most famous places in the world. Call it Machu Poopoo.
I Loudly Farted In Front of A Room Filled with Girls
I did a thing with my fraternity called Greek Sing where we did a big dance routine with a sorority. I have pretty much all positive memories, except that on the day of the performance I thought I would be able to discreetly fart while our captain was prepping us. Instead of a silent toot, I ripped a thunderous gas bubble that the entire room of women heard.
I Crapped in a Stranger’s Bathroom
I got lost in my friends’ apartment building after a night of drinking and desperately needed to take a dump. After frantically searching for their room, I had to settle for a random empty apartment that had the front door open. The fear I felt that someone who lived there would come home and find me defiling their toilet quite literally scared the shit out of me.
I Used a Gas Station Women’s Bathroom in Peru
When in Peru, I found my stomach in absolute shambles after I ate a guinea pig. This culminated in a gas station I was in to use an ATM. The men’s bathroom was occupied, and there was no time to wait for it to open up. Despite protests from employees, I blew that thing up and looked them in the eye when I walked out.
