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My Issues With Porn

Have you ever noticed the people who complain about movies are the ones who are the biggest fans of them? Marvel fans will tell you about the problems in every new movie, and Star Wars fans will tell you why more than half of them suck. The movies I watch, and therefore have heavy critiques for, tend to have full penetration in them. As a result of my fandom, I will give you the biggest issues in porn today. 

Wordy Titles

Sometimes I would like to watch a film that features a woman who’s been around the globe once or twice. Any internet wankers like myself know one of the words, “mature” or “milf” should return these results. The problem is, they also return way too many specific details that no one in their right mind could possibly search. “Busty Milf Seduces Friend’s Mom’s Grandson in a Sun Dress and Sunglasses,” is the type of title I’m talking about. I hate reading so much that a title like that is almost guaranteed to take me from twelve to six in an instant. Give me the premise, and let me find out the details over the course of the film. 

Distracting Backgrounds

Maybe this wasn’t an issue back in the day when porn was distributed through print, but this is an issue that I find almost any time a television is on in the back of a porno. I recently watched some independent adult cinema and found myself particularly into the story the director had presented. The problem arrived when the camera angle changed and showed a tv on in the background on an Apex: Legends loading screen. I paused the video and thought, “Wow this game has added a lot of characters since I played it last in high school.” Apparently not even my horniness can conquer my undiagnosed ADHD, because I was soon on a reddit thread titled, “r/apexlegends” catching up on the community I had abandoned years prior. It was a tough realization that Apex caused me to miss out on intimate time with myself, after it had already killed so many of my sexual pursuits in my earlier years. 

Poor Writing

I don’t know about you, but when the plot of a movie is a man delivers pizza to a house, and the climax is a double entendre, I still want to know how we got from point A to point B. As far as I’m concerned, this pizza delivery guy doesn’t own clothing that magically removes itself from his body, so we need to see how the nudity occurred. Sometimes, the writing is lazy, filled with generic lines such as, “I don’t have any money to pay for the pizza. I wonder if we can work something out.” I’m sorry, but Hollywood directors are constantly criticized for copying the vision of those who came before them. Why are the same standards not being held up for pornography. Maybe give Aaron Sorkin a call and see if the porn industry can’t get some real talent as a result of the writer’s strike. 

Not Enough Guys

Could you imagine if all male acting roles were given to the same four actors? That would get so boring. Imagine if Jesse Eisenberg was stuck playing Captain America because a lack of quality options. If you pay close attention to the cast of any well produced porno, you’ll likely find one of the same lucky guys earning the most fun paycheck of all time. Yes, there are always amateur options. But there needs to be a middle ground between the Leonardo Dicaprio’s and the amateurs who treat their performances like middle school theater. I would like to see some different people give their best effort under the bright lights and warm fluids. Also, there’s a lack of penis in every video. Over the course of forty-five minutes, it’s nice to get some variety. 

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Written by TFM

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