Obviously the best excuses will always be the classic stomach bug and ominous family emergency, but those can only be used so much in a given semester. That’s why it’s good to always have some extremely specific and outlandish excuses in your back pocket for anytime you wake up too hungover to go to class. Here are four great out-of-the-box excuses that are sure to work.
Explosive Diarrhea
No professor ever wants to hear about your bowel movements, trust me I know from experience. That’s why just a slight mention of your uncontrollable digestive system is enough for your teacher to beg you to stay home. This is a great excuse because you can play it like you want to go to class, knowing that they will tell you not to. Just hit them with a little “I really don’t want to miss today’s lesson, but wanted you to know that there is a chance I accidentally hershey-squirt in my seat.” Not only will they tell you not to worry about attendance, but they’ll also respect you for wanting to learn. Win-win!
Religious Observance
As a jew, this is something I use anytime I have a professor that I know for sure isn’t also jewish. Just tell them that you won’t be in class today due to religious observance and hope they can understand. You don’t need to be specific and there doesn’t truly need to be a holiday because they won’t fact check you. If they don’t allow you to miss, just say that they are discriminating against you for your beliefs. Bang, problem solved. I’m sure this works with any of the minority religions, especially if your professor is white and you aren’t.
Gender Struggles
In today’s day and age that cares so much about personal identity, telling a professor that you are having a “gender crisis” is a sure-fire way to get an excused absence. If you get an absolute snowflake of a professor, they will definitely understand and allow you to skip with no questions asked. If you have a professor on the opposite side of the spectrum, they will be too afraid to ask any questions in fear of going viral on social media and just let you miss as well. Seriously, aside from just doing drugs in the gender-neutral bathrooms, we gotta be using this whole “identity fad” thing to our advantage.
Chlamydia
I’m pretty sure if you tell your superior that your balls are on fire they aren’t allowed to say “prove it.” What a time to be alive.
