Choosing what you want to eat is always tricky. Personally, it usually takes me about an hour to decide what I’ll get for dinner. In an attempt to reduce that time in the future, I have decided to list out the pros and cons of all the different cuisines from around the world.
American
Pros
- Tastes the best (thank you delicious trans fats)
- So many different things can be deep fried
- Always know what you’re getting
Cons
- Will probably kill you at some point
- Most “American” foods weren’t actually invented in the US
- White women are making too many things out of cauliflower
Mexican
Pros
- Free chips when you sit down
- Tacos from a van are authentic and cost $1
- “Beans beans they’re good for your heart”
Cons
- Street tacos may contain mystery meat
- You’ll probably wake up to poop in the middle of the night
Italian
Pros
- Pizza
- Spicy rigatoni is sweeping the nation
- Only cuisine where they ask if you want extra cheese
Cons
- The owner always assumes you want to talk to him
- You may be sitting next to the mafia
Japanese
Pros
- Crispy rice, yes please
- Get to see them make your sushi
- Very honorable wait staff
Cons
- Could give you food poisoning
Mediterranean/Middle Eastern
Pros
- Hummus
- Any white sauce hits
- Falafel is both fried and healthy
Cons
- No one knows how to say “gyro”
- What type of animal is “gyro” and “shawarma?”
- Lots of salads
French
Pros
- Pastries and crepes hit different
Cons
- No one wants to eat frog legs or snails
- French people suck
- Overpriced
Chinese
Pros
- Every Chinatown has some place with crazy cheap dumplings
- Fortune cookies give you winning lottery numbers
- General Tso is a top five war hero of all time
Cons
- They use every part of the animal, so beware of what you’re eating
- Potential language barrier
- Have to stare at hanging ducks as you eat
Latin
Pros
- Everything comes with rice, beans, and plantains
- Big ass portions
- No one roasts a full pig better than Cubans
Cons
- Extremely loud atmosphere
- Expect to order in Spanish or receive something you didn’t ask for
- Do not ask for salsa or guacamole
Indian
Pros
- Garlic naan may be best bread in the game (sorry Red Lobster)
- You’ll sweat off all of the calories you eat
Cons
- Butter chicken does not taste like butter
- Wish your bottom good luck
- Everyone will be able to smell that you’ve eaten Indian food until you shower at least five times
Korean
Pros
- Potentially all you can eat
- Bulgogi smacks
- Gochujang is real nice
Cons
- Sometimes you need to cook yourself
- The north is scary
Spanish Tapas
Pros
- Get to taste a bunch of stuff
- Patatas bravas never fail
- Churros exist
Cons
- Shrimp comes with its head on
- You will certainly leave hungry
Brazilian
Pros
- Unlimited meat on sticks, what else could you want?
- Cheese bread competes with garlic naan for top bread spot
- Waitresses are hot
Cons
- Leave feeling disgusting and in need of a bubble bath
African
Pros
- Heavily seasoned
- Usually pretty cheap
Cons
- Need to walk six miles to get a glass of water
