Now that I’ve graduated college and have a job telling poop jokes to strangers online, I feel like a true grown man. As an official adult, it’s come to my attention that I need hobbies outside of getting belligerently drunk. Turns out, for men, there truly aren’t too many hobbies to choose from. So, in an effort to decide what type of guy I’ll be for the rest of my life, I’ve made a complete breakdown of all of my options. Here are the pros and cons of male hobbies.
Meat Smoking
Pros
- It’s basically just eating
- Most time is spent drinking beer on the couch waiting for the meats to be ready
- Can make funny puns such as “wanna taste my meat?” or “how do you like my meat in your mouth?”
Cons
- Meat smokers are very expensive
- Takes a very long time to smoke meats
- You will definitely get fat
Golf
Pros
- Alcohol and cigars are highly encouraged
- You can bet on it with friends or play yourself
- Can be good for business
Cons
- Weather plays a factor (could be too hot or cold)
- Will make you hate yourself
Fishing
Pros
- Potential free dinner
- Drinking will not affect skill
- Assert your dominance on feeble-minded fish
Cons
- Could go all day and not catch anything
- Smells like worms and fish guts
Woodworking
Pros
- You can make yourself a rocking chair to rot and die in
Cons
- Chances are you’ll lose a finger at some point
- Extremely lonely
- Wife will resent you for taking up entire garage
Weight lifting
Pros
- You will be the scariest guy in most places
- Bar fights will become way more fun
- Exercise
Cons
- No one will care about your PRs no matter how much you tell them
- Going to the gym sucks
Motorcycles
Pros
- You can finally join a gang!
- Wheelies are sick
- Vroom vroom
Cons
- Everyone outside of your gang will hate you
- Death is imminent
Coach Youth Sports
Pros
- You will finally get the chance to vicariously relive your childhood dreams through your children
- Gives you sense of power
- Snacks at the end of every game
Cons
- Your children will grow to resent you
- 8-year-olds messing up a ground ball will give you a brain aneurysm
- May have to pay for end of season pizza party
Bowling
Pros
- Technically a sport
- Low energy
- “Who do you think you are? I am!”
Cons
- Can’t wear your own shoes
- Smells like piss inside
- Surrounded by children’s birthday parties (hence the stench)
Napping
Pros
- There is literally nothing better
- Can be done anywhere (home, work, movie theater, elevator, etc.)
Cons
- Gets depressing at some point
Hunting
Pros
- You are the king of the jungle now
- Get to shoot stuff
- Possible dinner, rug, or head to hang above fireplace
Cons
- People may hate your guts
- A lot of time is spent hiding behind a tree just a for deer to run away
- Could encounter a Cocaine Bear
Billiards
Pros
- You can hustle people
- Usually happens at bars (they serve alcohol there)
Cons
- Real pools are better
- Most girls that like billiards have piercings and tattoos in places they shouldn’t
- Few people will appreciate your skill
Pickleball
Pros
- Anyone can do it
- Keeps you active
- Fastest growing sport in America
Cons
- Your wife/girlfriend will want to come
