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Sixers Fire Doc Rivers, I Celebrate

Bye-bye Doc Rivers, you entitled, cocky, disrespectful, stubborn, no-good, bald bitch. The Sixers finally fired the man who has been the bane of my existence for the past few years. Before going to the Sixers, Doc Rivers was most known for winning a single championship with a team that had three Hall of Famers along with Rajon Rondo in his prime. That is unless you count the Clippers team he also couldn’t take out of the second round of the playoffs. Simply put, the last time Doc Rivers was even arguably a good basketball coach was 2006. 

Rivers came to the Sixers three years ago with a lot of hype for the sole fact that he wasn’t Brett Brown, who Philadelphia fans also hated for his inability to escape the second round. Despite the fact that they were equally mediocre as far as NBA coaches go, Doc Rivers came in with the mindset that he brought some kind of basketball royalty that was missing before his arrival. The guy’s ego was so inflated, he once answered a totally reasonable question about his coaching performance with, “Would you ask Gregg Popovich that?” No, they wouldn’t. Because he is one of the greatest minds in basketball history, and you needed easily the best roster in the league to get the one ring that you’ll never let anyone forget about. 

As a Philly sports fan, this news is about twenty-four hours too late, and still the most excited I can get about a team I claimed to be boycotting two days ago. Joel Embiid was far from perfect in these playoffs, but he also went five straight crunch-time possessions without touching the ball in game six. That can be entirely blamed on his idiot of a coach. I know what Doc’s thinking. I was once fired from a Dairy Queen, and I too thought I did nothing wrong in that situation. I was wrong though, and so is he.

I hope he has as much emotional pain to go through as a result of this news as I have because of his stupidity. I hope more NBA players date and then cheat on his daughter. I hope the best player on every team he coaches in the future requests a trade, retires, or fakes their own death. I hope his grandkids leave Legos everywhere and he is constantly stepping on them. All in all, I just hope he has a really hard rest of his life. It’s only fair, after what he did to me and the rest of Philadelphia. And don’t let him coach your favorite basketball team. *Jesse Pinkman voice* He can’t keep getting away with it. 

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Written by TFM

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