The Different Types Of Girlfriends Your Friend will Have
The Psycho (Fred Phillips): Big Jen Psaki Vibes. This girl is the Fred Phillips of your life, every time she walks into your house, you feel like going full Logan Paul Japanese forest. She has not only made your friend a shell of his former self, but she has psy-oped him into becoming more insecure than the thirteen-year-old girls we had middle school assemblies about the dangers of Instagram for. Sometimes you see him taking pictures of her wearing a birthday sash with her friends who all talk shit about him behind his back, and you just want to give him a huge hug. You try to shake this guy awake, and he looks at you like you’re Alex Jones and pretends things are okay. She once got upset with him for Ubering her drunk friend home because he “shouldn’t ever spend money on another girl.”
The One That Makes You Wish You Had A Girlfriend:
What A-Rod and J-Lo were to Big Cat is what she and your friend are to you. Do you understand why a girl with her looks is dating a guy who hasn’t accomplished much since his string of Snapchat Stories Victory Royales in 2019? No. But her butt is a WMD, and she’s smart, so you couldn’t be happier for your friend. Sometimes, when you go into your kitchen late at night to grab something and you see the two of them drinking cheap wine as she’s doing erotic sign language under a blanket, you think to yourself, maybe I should get a girlfriend. No couple is perfect, but like Lebron in any 2k from 2009-2018, they are as close as possible.
The One That Becomes One Of Your Friends (Jenny From The League): Despite the fact that she has friends, you get the sense she gets along better with guys. Not in the hot dog meme I only like guys because they are less drama way, more so that she had three older brothers and grew up falling asleep in hand-me-down sherseys kind of way. She may be able to look good in a dress, but make no mistake, she will roast the fuck out of you when she finds out that you went inflatable used-parking-lot after a few too many with the girl you took home last weekend. Aside from being a member in the group chat, she’s basically in your friend group, which is what could make the possibility of their breakup complicated. She’s basically a friend of yours that you can’t nut tap for legal and biological reasons.
The Quiet One That You’re Convinced Hates You:
It’s nobody’s fault that he keeps convincing her to come to B-Dubs with you guys for $5 pitchers; it’s just weird. You really have no qualms about her. She’s quiet, she tags along from time to time, and the only thing you could even consider giving her shit for is the fact that she sits shotgun in his car…and even that’s a stretch. The situation at hand is odd: your friend wants to allocate time to you guys and her, but the two groups mix together about as well as cucumber Burnetts and Apple Juice…sure, could you make that combination work; yes, is it enjoyable? Fuck no. You and your friends get drunk and talk about Livvy Dune as she watches on with disgust and confusion. You try your hardest to make amends with her, you buy her a shot on her birthday, but even then, she stares at you blankly. She doesn’t like you because she’s seen too much. This relationship is unmendable, and you just have to ride it out until it ends.
The One That Completely Changes Your Friend:
I know there’s a connotation that this is a bad thing, but it might not be. Maybe your friend was treating his nose like the Swiss Alps, and now he’s off hard drugs and…like hiking or some shit. For better or for worse, this girl has been able to give your buddy’s life a 180. If he was the kind of guy that would put down nine beers and drunkenly ride rent-a-scooters on a Tuesday, and now he’s a Marxist who gives you shit because your Mom sent you a variety pack of fun-sized chips via Amazon, I can understand why that would bother you. But you have let him figure out these things on his own. The second you articulate hey man, you kind of suck now he’s just going to peg you as ignorant and jealous, despite the fact you have no inclination for wearing fuzzy pajamas and watching Brent Rivera videos.
