Let’s call a spade a spade here: the AFC South sucks, like really REALLY sucks. The AFC South is like your cousin’s girlfriend that lives in Brooklyn who refers to their cat as a “fur-baby” and got really upset with you when you asked what it meant when she told you that she was pansexual even though you genuinely had no idea what the fuck she was tal- the point is that with a healthy NFC bEAST, the AFC South is going to take the cake for the worst division in football. As it stands right now the O/U for win totals are as follows (per William Hill Sports Book):
The Colts: o/u 10
The Titans: o/u 9.5
The Jags o/u 6
The Texans o/u 4.5
Let’s look at why the Titans are going to come up on top of this division:
The Colts:
As someone that finally hopped off the Wentz wagon this past year, I wish Carson all the best, but I’m not going to miss him in Philadelphia. Much like when my ex posts pictures with her new boyfriend on Instagram, I’m happy that Carson Wentz found someone he can be at his best with, in Frank Reich. Here’s the thing: the Colts look about as banged up as a college student during his third day on Spring Break. Wentz is out 5-12 weeks (I can promise you it’s going to be longer than that), Quenton Nelson is out for 5-12 weeks, and Darius Leanord is fighting an ankle injury. That means the Colts are going to be without the best offensive guard in the league, their twenty-million dollars quarterback, and their stud linebacker- not good. And the candidates to replace Wentz for the first few weeks of the season? Jacob Eason or trade for Marcus Mariota/Nick Foles. Does any of that sound sexy to you? Because those names make me about as limp as shaking my neighbor’s arthritis-riddled hand. The Colts have a solid roster, but health concerns and a tough stretch to start the season leads me to believe they are an nine-win team at best.
The Jags:
I think we’re all excited to see what Trevor Lawerence can do against NFL competition. People questioned Jacksonville’s draft, but they could have drafted Helen Keller at 25 and every analyst would still give them a “B” on the report card because they landed a once-in-a-generation type quarterback. The Jags are coming off a one-win season (the Jets’ incompetence will never cease to amaze me), so things can only go up from 2020. Seeing Tim Tebow catch a seven-yard pass during garbage time in week six is going to be a phenomenal day on Twitter and I’m sure they won’t have any problems selling tickets. Jacksonville reminds me of matching with an eighteen-year-old on Tinder; of course, I’m EXCItED and on the screen, she looks really hot, but I don’t think I want to fuck someone that doesn’t cognitively remember the impact of the BlackBerry. Gone are the days of their dominant defense led by a secondary quarterbacks didn’t want to throw the ball in the direction of, and the Jags have a lot of holes(their defense ranked 31 in opponents PPG last year). The Jaguars are like that Cheez-It commercial we’ve all seen a million times- they need some time to mature and they need to bring in some pieces via free agency or trade.
The Texans:
I’m shocked that somebody with millions of supporters, a leader that a whole city depends on, and a man of faith could act in such a reprehensible way. *check notes* Oh shit, I forgot the Cuomo press conference was also today. The Houston Texans remind me of when I was a kid and I spilled cranberry juice on my Mom’s expensive rug, and I didn’t know how to get it out so I scrubbed really hard and made it so much worse. The Texans won four games last year, WITH THEIR STAR QUARTERBACK. Their best player on offense is fucking Laremy Tunsil. I love Tyrod Taylor as a guy, but if he’s the starter in Houston this year, they don’t win four games. If you have a friend who is a die-hard Texans fan, maybe check on their mental health a little bit. An autistic monkey could have put together a better last two offseasons than the Houston Texans front office.
The Titans:
What can I say? The Titans are a seven, but all their friends are hideous. You’ve had a few tequila sodas, you see Derrick Henry’s 2,000-yard season last year and the addition of Julio Jones, and you’re probably going to take them home. Is their defense good? FUCK NO. They also lost more than they gained on the side of the ball where they were already flawed. Titans games are going to bode well for the over this year. I don’t think they’ll win more than a game in the playoffs, but they will win ten games for sure. **Keep in mind it’s a seventeen game season now**
I’m marrying the Titans
I’m fucking the Jaguars
and I’m killing the Texans.
