-Don’t walk slow. It isn’t your fucking Wisconsin farm town, there’s no nature to appreciate, and the air is more toxic than a girl that listens to All Too Well extended edition while she showers claims her ex was. Keep it moving
-Duane Reade: Duane Reade is just CVS, except forty percent of the customers have one of those “In this house we believe science is real” signs.
-Time Square: Unless you want to get robbed by Elmo or intentionally get a staph infection, don’t fucking go there
-A Fridge can be anywhere: apartments in New York are set up like they were designed by a nine-year-old binge-playing the Sims to escape his parent’s divorce. I’ve seen microwaves in bathrooms, air-fryers on the ground, and fridges just about everywhere.
-When people are screaming, keep your music blaring and pay no mind to them.
Murray Hill: Our economy functions from the fingertips of an Adderall-fueled guy with a Whey Protein container above his fridge in Murray Hill. People say the garden is the Mecca of basketball, Murray Hill is the Mecca of Microsoft Excel. Saying the phrase “I bought a bag today” has a totally different meaning in Murray Hill than it does in other parts of New York. After college, you will have several friends that live here, almost all of whom will own vest collections deeper than Brett Farve’s hail mary as a Viking. The trope with this place is ex-D3 lacrosse players and fraternity guys, which is warranted, but it’s not as bad as NYU film-school kids make it out to be.
East Village: The East Village looks no different on Halloween than on a hot summer day in July. It’s a mish-mosh of diverse cultures, kids with rich parents on SSRIs, and great fucking bagels. The East Village is home to some of New York’s best local artists, unique bars, and homeless guys dressed like an extra on Euphoria. It’s more affordable than a lot of other locations, and if you’re a person that can appreciate a little bit of everything but also not mind the constant smell of piss, it’s the place for you.
Brooklyn: Brooklyn gets a bad rep from a small group, but it’s fucking huge and has some incredible nightlife destinations. It’s the best place in the entire city to watch a sports game during the day, roll to any number of eastern-European EDM artists, and get into an argument with a sassy lady that hates her job at the Naval Yard.