It brings me so much joy to write this out: COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK.
With less than three weeks until the kickoff of the 2023 NCAA College Football season, we have just gotten this season’s All Name Team. For those unfamiliar, every year CFB personality Jim Weber releases a team made up of college football’s funniest named players. While Weber selects 24 players to fill out all positions on a football team, I will rank the top five to save some time. If you want the full list of players, you can find it here on his X account. Let’s get into it.
Honorable Mention: Fish McWilliams
I know I said I was only ranking the top five due to time restraints, but I just couldn’t leave off Fish McWilliams. As a huge fan of McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, I can’t help but think of anything else when I hear this defensive lineman from UAB’s name. Weighing in at 304lbs, I think it’s safe to say that McWilliams is no stranger to the sandwich that so closely resembles his name. McWilliams is entering his final season of eligibility for the Blazers. Despite his humorous name, McWilliams is actually quite the athlete as he has been ranked the No.1 DL in Conference USA entering this season.
#5: Dude Person
This guy is the definition of an NPC. I mean his name could have literally just been Human Being and it’d have the same effect. Mr. Person is set to begin his first season as a defensive back for the Central Arkansas Bears. After attending Northwest Mississippi Community College for three years, Person transferred to CAU this season to get the chance to play on a slightly bigger stage. Seriously though, this guy may not be real. Aside from his name, Person doesn’t even show his face in photos. Plus, who even knows if either NWCC or CAU are real schools? Maybe they’re a big deal in the boondocks, but I doubt anyone who lives near a coast has ever heard of them.
#4: Octavious Oxendine
Obviously anyone whose name sounds like a gas you’d suck out of a balloon gets a spot on this list. Though often confused with a drug you’d get addicted to after surgery, Oxendine is actually a key player on the Kentucky Wildcats’ defense. The defensive lineman suffered a torn ACL his freshman year, but bounced back last season with 22 tackles while only starting seven games. Oxendine ended the year as many analysts’ pick for Comeback Player Of The Year, but ultimately fell short. Maybe with an extra dose of some self-named enhancer, Oxendine will get a chance at the award this season.
#3: Phat Watts
Many of us are already well familiar with this Tulane wide receiver as he has actually been on the All Name Team before. Phat Watts returns this season for his fourth stint with the Green Wave after unfortunately tearing his ACL last season. Phat expects to be a focal point of the Tulane offense given his seniority and talent. Personally however, I just like that his name is Phat. It’s pretty funny.
#2: General Booty
How could you possibly not root for General Booty? Not only is he a commanding officer at the highest of ranks, but he also has a stronger love of badonkadonks than Stephen A. Smith. Who couldn’t get behind that? Booty is the second string quarterback on the Oklahoma Sooners roster. I guess it makes perfect sense that he’s the backup.
#1. Rowdy Beers
I genuinely believe that Rowdy Beers could be elected president of the United States due purely to his name alone. I know he has my vote. Seriously, this dude needs to have the coolest parents of all time. He isn’t the first person to have the last name Beer, but he definitely used it to his advantage the best. Rowdy Beers will be a freshman this year at Florida International University where he will play tight end (the rowdiest position). I expect Rowdy to make the most of his name and persona. I picture him roaming around campus in a jumbo Hawaiian shirt and birkenstocks, showing up to frat houses with his own case all for himself, and probably using more than four years of eligibility. This guy was made for college football. I’m calling it now, Rowdy Beers is a star in the making.
