My name is Michael and I’m a Cowboys fan.
Being a fan of the Cowboys feels like a higher power has it out for me.
I live this silly little life where I do the same silly little things every day. I like to think I’m a good person, I volunteer when I can and I try to limit the amount of meat I consume.
And yet, despite all this, a 79-year-old billionaire from Arkansas seems to dictate my happiness, one Jerry Jones to be exact. Jones knows right where to keep Dallas; just good enough to make the playoffs every 2 years while, simultaneously, just bad enough to never make it past the second round of the playoffs.
The Cowboys have made me question my faith. Every night before the season starts I pray “sweet baby Jesus, please let Dallas make it to the NFC championship this year, and please make my penis above average in length”. Dallas has made it past the second round (checks notes) zero times in my life, and somehow my penis is (checks penis) smaller than it was when I first started praying.
For years I wondered what I did that made me deserve to be a cowboys fan. Was it pushing Sarah Jones in first grade? Was it looking up “big boobs” on my family computer when I was in the third grade? Was it pushing the same Sarah again in the fifth grade? No, none of these acts warranted the life sentence that is being a Cowboys fan.
Then I got into the idea of past lives. I realize now that being a Cowboys fan isn’t a punishment for the actions of my current life, but rather sentencing from one of my past lives. I thought about who I may have been, and I came up with some people in history who lived such evil lives that being reincarnated as a cowboys fan would be a just punishment. If I get it right, I might be forgiven and the Cowboys will make it past the second round.
Ted Bundy- If that was me I am sorry.
Leopold the 2nd of Belgium- If I was one of the main contributors to the colonization and complete desolation of Africa I am sorry.
The guy who created pop-up adds- “Ironic”- Sheev Palpatine.
Ty Cobb- If I was the most racist professional athlete of all time I apologize.
Ghengis Khan- If I am a direct ancestor to one of 16 million people today and one of the most ruthless rulers of all time, I am so, so sorry.
The guy who discontinued Dunkaroos- If this was me I was probably lost in the sauce and didn’t realize the net good Dunkaroos brought to the American economy/ soul.
The creator of Clippy- I had the idea that a paper clip could successfully guide a computer user through the complexities of the internet while maintaining an upbeat presence. Looking back on it now I realize what a rash and terrible decision I made. If this was me, I’m so sorry.
…
Fuck, I’m still a Cowboys fan.
