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When It’s Time To Breakup With Your Girlfriend

To whoever needs to hear this,

Your friends say you’re a shell of what you used to be, and that really pisses you off. Quite frankly, it’s not fair. It’s not your fault that you’re getting older, and starting off your Wednesday with a qweeb of Xanax and a chop isn’t an option anymore, but it’s time for a look in the mirror. You’ve been with this girl for a long time. On paper, she’s everything you want and more. She’s attractive, the sex is great, and getting high while watching Ozark seems timeless. Sure, you miss playing die with the guys here and there, but you’re trying to be an adult here. That Instagram story you took of her next to that charcuterie board made you feel in a weird way…good? On Mondays you guys split a $12 bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and on Wednesday you drink Pacifico as you try to explain to her why Kawhi Leanord Is hilariously weird. At this point, you’re sleeping at each other’s places most of the time, and you find yourself increasingly paying for her purchases (which in your mind is only right). 

Days of being an underclassmen who played 4Loko flip cup are over. You’ve met your close-knit group of friends, as has she. Even in your early twenties, for the first time in your life, the blueprint for the future is in front of you. The internship you’ve been working has been going about as good as it possibly could have. Even though in your mind your still a fucking dickhead, you’ve finessed yourself into your bosses’ good graces. The girl, the internship, a dog? Holy shit, are you where you’re supposed to be? 

Take a step back for a second. Your friends are always going to be by your side because they have…for the most part…your best intentions at heart, but let’s calm down your ego and ACTUALLY think about what they’ve told you. Do we really think that they are jealous of you? I mean in a sense you have a right to think that. You’re doing what you were programmed to do by your suburban upbringing, and those fucktards still log in four hours a night on Elden Ring . But yesterday, your girlfriend took TWO icing packets for ONE Toaster Strudel and even though you played it cool, on the inside you thought about Ray Rice’ing a bitch for a second…so maybe they have a point when they say that your relationship has become unhealthy. You constantly reassure yourself that the spark is still there by re-living the night you guys first met, but you don’t get excited when she walks into your house. Everything is routine, and the only time it’s not is when you guys fight (which is happening way more frequently than before) because the makeup sex is a buzz you haven’t felt in too goddamn long. Your relationship has essentially become your Juul addiction from two years ago when you would buy two packs of pods a week. You’re putting your lips on something because you feel like it has some comforting sense of control on you, not because you catch a dome. But restarting…well that seems like a bitch (spoiler alert: it is). Your mom already likes her and your Mom is not only hard to impress, but annoying as fuck when anything pertains to your love life. Seeing her at bars will be brutal, her friend’s may boycott you from getting laid, the whole situation will be a mess. 

But man you have to put a lid on this before you dig yourself deeper into this hole. The last thing you want in life is to be more excited to go to work, than spend time at home. If her little humming noises when she sits shotgun in your car piss you off for some odd reason now, imagine how much they will when your driving to Disney World in a fucking Honda Odyssey rental with two booger-eaters in the back. Pain is temporary, unhappiness is forever. Reevaluate your choices and lean on your friends, it’s worked for me before. It’s time to break up with her man.

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