North Van Gogh

I’m not sure if any of you have ever heard of her, but there’s this lesser known influencer type of woman named, Kim Kardashion. She is the mother of another smaller entertainer’s children. I know his name starts with a K, but I can’t really remember what he goes by. Anyways, this family tends to keep a low profile in the public eye. 

Except this week, there’s been some chatter on the internet about them due to this photograph:

Okay, I’ll cut the bullshit. Our girl Kim K posted this picture and is ACTUALLY trying to tell us that her daughter North REALLY PAINTED THIS.

The “artist” in question, North, is seven years old. I know this off the top of my head because my freshman year of high school I literally got a detention for using my phone behind my book during “reading time” and announcing her birth to the class. I’m a big fan of little North.

Any-who, Kim clearly doesn’t share the same skill her mother Kris Jenner has when it comes to fooling the public.  We all see right through this, because THERE IS JUST NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL THAT THIS BABY CHILD MADE THIS PIECE OF ART.

Yet Kimmy K, is strongly defending her 7 year olds art capabilities. 

It’s crazy that I’m even talking about this, but what’s even crazier is the fact that Kimberly literally PUT OUT A STATEMENT about the matter. Stating “North worked incredibly hard on her painting which took several weeks to complete.” To me, this is just a dead give away that this just is not real. Think about it, what seven year old has ever had the attention span to sit down and paint, never mind start AND THEN COME BACK TO IT THROUGHOUT THE SPAN OF SEVERAL WEEKS? Simply unheard of. 

To give you a visual representation, this is a self portrait my little sister drew when she was seven:

Now let’s put them side to side:

I hate downgrading my poor untalented kid sister…..but it is pretty trash. That’s just the standard artistic capability of a NORMAL 7 YEAR OLD. 

Kim then goes on in her “statement” to say “My daughter and her best friend have been taking a serious oil painting class where their talents and creativity are being encouraged and nurtured.” Okay, weird flex. Also another beautiful reason for us to not believe you. So you’re saying, miss North wasn’t drawing this in front of you. She was at some overpriced Beverly Hills art program, tirelessly creating this landscape masterpiece? Nope, don’t buy it. 

A better explanation would be that the art instructor, at this Boys and Girls Club for affluent youths, found out that North was the heir to the Kardashian-West estate, and saw her as her ticket to success. Let’s call the art instructor, “Amethyst.” 

This is how I picture the painting lessons playing out. Amethyst tells the class to paint whatever their tiny rich hearts desire. All week Amethyst watches little North paint something that looks like this:

Amethyst grows worried the West’s will not allow North to come back to her costly program, so she devises a plan. While the children were putting the finishing touches on their art work, so was Amethyst. Amethyst made a decoy painting. During the final hours of the overly priced program for Beverly Hill babies, Amethyst yells to North “NORTH, QUICK, LOOK IT’S YOUR AUNTIE CHINA.” North then frantically scans the room, while Amethyst swaps out North’s painting with the one she made. Which is the painting North ends up taking home to proud mama K. 

That scenario? Far fetched, made up, and cruel. Yet, it still makes a lot more sense than A SEVEN YEAR OLD CURATING A PIECE OF ART THAT SHOULD BE HANGING IN THE MET!!!

This isn’t the first time the mogul family forced talent out of their eldest. You guys remember this video of North’s iconic rap at her father’s fashion show. How could you forget. Her lyrics were deep and timeless. On stage in Paris in the midst of fashion week, the child asks the hard hitting question: What are those? The audience audibly held their breath, waiting for the toddler to answer. They are clothes North beautifully replied. The crowd wept. 

Skip video to 4:30

I’m not one to usually shit on a little kid, if anything I kind of feel bad for her. It’s almost like a weird form of famous parent child abuse. She’s a little tike, she has no idea that she cannot sing like papa. Now, it’s on the internet for all of her classmates to taunt her with for her whole adolescent life. 

All in all, North imma let you finish…but your art instructor Amethyst has the best art work of the year. 

Written by Grace O'Malley

If Carrie Bradshaw drank a little bit too much and was originally from Boston...

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