Princeton Review’s 20 Soberest Schools Announced, Let’s All Point And Laugh (Except For The Service Academies)

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Earlier, we published the Princeton Review’s top 20 party school list. With that Ying, comes the sober, depressing, Yang, that being the Princeton Review’s top 20 soberest schools list. Note that the service academies should be excluded from ridicule. No one should be learning how to command Abrams tanks, fire a cruise missile, or make a bunch of Cubans turn their raft around while extremely hungover. Everyone else, though? Laugh away.

1. Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah

2. Wheaton College, Wheaton, Ill.

3. College of the Ozarks, Point Lookout, Mo.

4. Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, Calif.

5. U.S. Military Academy, West Point, N.Y.

6. Grove City College, Grove City, Pa.

7. Wesleyan College, Macon, Ga.

8. U.S. Coast Guard Academy, New London, Conn.

9. U.S. Naval Academy, Annapolis, Md.

10. Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Mich.

11. City University of New York-Brooklyn College, Brooklyn, N.Y.

12. City University of New York-City College, New York City

13. City University of New York-Queens College, Flushing, N.Y.

14. Mills College, Oakland, Calif.

15. Agnes Scott College, Atlanta/Decatur, Ga.

16. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering, Needham, Mass.

17. California Institute of Technology, Pasadena, Calif.

18. Simmons College, Boston

19. Wellesley College, Wellesley, Mass.

20. Xavier University of Louisiana, New Orleans

Some of the schools on this list just sound painfully sober. Agnes Scott College? Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering? Woof. What’s the over/under on the combined amount of attractive women at those schools? 17? I’m taking the under.

I’m especially disappointed in Xavier University of Louisiana, New Orleans. 1) You’re in New Orleans. 2) You’re Catholics. WHY ARE YOU NOT DRINKING!?! What are you doing with your lives?

Naturally, BYU tops the list. I’d tell BYU students they’re missing out, but really, they aren’t. They’re completely content sending girls home at sunset and spending the rest of the evening discussing how awesome Jimmer Friddette’s life is over a warm glass of milk.

As far as the service academies go, I’m always down to buy a serviceman or servicewoman a drink, but if you meet someone who goes to West Point or Annapolis, be extra sure to buy them a beer. Also, buy them a shot of Rumple Minze. Then maybe buy them seven more beers and a few rounds of tequila. Then take them to a strip club and pay for a dance. I mean, really, just show them a good time. They sound like they need it, and they certainly deserve it. It’s also a little disconcerting the Air Force Academy didn’t make this list. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is what their helicopter training areas look like:

Whatever, flying a drone is totally doable hungover.

[via The Associated Press]

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  1. Six_Thirty

    Wheaton College just lifted their ban on dancing a couple years ago, how are they still ranked this high? Bullshit!

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    75
  2. Fratmiral Nelson

    Sometimes, in the darkest hour of a hangover, when my room is trashed, I’ve broken my phone, and my clothes smell of vomit beer and cigs…I consider how much more successful I would be if I went to BYU.

    And then repeat this thought x52 weekends.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 9 months ago
    72
  3. Chad_Fratterson

    Hey, I’m just glad the Service Academies weren’t at the top of the list. Working harder than any of us, they still manage to out-party people with a lot more free time. Keep doing what you’re doing, guys.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 9 months ago
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  4. Squirrel_Hunter

    Agnes Scott is an all girls college in a primarily lesbian/feminist neighborhood. Probably a good thing they can’t drink, couldn’t imagine the drunken feminist ideas they’d try to spread

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 9 months ago
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