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At TFM, we love sharing the fucking ridiculousness and debauchery that our followers experience during their nights out. Unfortunately, not every crazy story can be communicated through a 20 second Instagram video. These are the stories that happen when you are too incapacitated, that is too crazy at the moment to whip your phone out, or legally require anonymity. We have been changing the format of these Craziest Stories blogs as more people are submitting them so thank you. Here is an extra long one that certainly deserves its own blog. Please enjoy…
Jake-
This story is one that still confuses and amazes me. Back when I was a freshman and just got initiated into my fraternity I understandably went on about a two month bender. It ended abruptly due to covid fucking everything up. About two weeks prior to the highlight of this story I got a DUI (very bad, never drive drunk it’s not cool) and a host of other charges. Needless to say, my parents were not very happy with me. Two weeks later in the first week of March my frat had our Mom’s Weekend and my mom surprisingly came out for it. It started out great, we had a darty with all the moms, went out to a nice dinner, painted wine glasses etc… The first night we had a party and luckily my mom left early because I got insanely drunk, apparently punched a few holes in a wall as my knuckles were all cut up (I don’t get into fights when I’m drunk, trust me I’m not that guy). The next day we had another darty and I started drinking around noon. As the day progressed I continued consuming copious amounts of liquor with no food, eventually landing back at the main house with a fresh rack. These girls I knew hit me up and wanted to party, so instead of telling them to slide main I drunkenly walked to their dorm with said rack somehow avoiding campus police. Once I got there we started drinking more and the girls I think gave me vodka. This is where I completely forget what happened. Apparently, I left their dorm without telling anyone and after about 15 minutes one of my brothers got suspicious (love you griff) and went on a search. They walked through the halls and checked bathrooms, nothing. It wasn’t until another girl who lived in the dorm called the chick who’s dorm I was initially in and said they thought they saw me outside surrounded by police. My friends ran out to the courtyard to find me laying on the ground, with a flashlight directly on my face, surrounded by 6 cops. I was so out of it when they asked me what month it was I said January (it was March). They also asked me what classes I was taking and I just mumbled “Uhh English, Math and some other ones” like I was in fucking middle school. Of course they called an ambulance and hauled me to the ER. My boys ubered to the ER and stayed with me for a few hours but I didn’t wake up until around 6am. Surprisingly, the hospital didn’t breathalyze me and just let me go. No doubt I was still probably drunk. My BAC was .298 when I first went to the ER. I remember getting out of the hospital bed and almost falling over because my foot hurt so bad. I couldn’t even put on my shoe so they gave me this weird sock thing. I was able to put that on and grabbed my phone and clothes. My shirt was soaked in beer so they also gave me a light blue hospital shirt kinda like the nurses wear. The nurse did ask me if I wanted them to check out my foot but knowing how hospitals love to over charge I politely declined. I call an Uber and hobble out to the parking lot. I see the Uber way at the end of the parking lot and start slowly walking to it when my phone dies. I thought I was in the clear since I could see the fucking car but I guess the driver wasn’t very patient because when I was about half way there he pulls off. Looking back, I could have went back into the hospital to call someone but the only number I had memorized was my moms but there was no way in hell I was calling her to get me from the hospital due to my drunken stupidity. Especially after the alcohol related charges two weeks prior. I made the executive decision to walk back to campus and eat the pain. Life ain’t supposed to be easy right? The hospital was about 3 miles from campus so not that far but definitely not an ideal walking distance. I got so many concerned glances from passersby seeing me limping and clearly fresh out of the hospital. A few people asked me if I needed help but I just told them I had a long night. Holy fuck, that pain is something I vividly remember. I somehow make it back to campus and go right to bed. I wake up around 10 and shower, my foot still pounding in pain. My mom was nice enough to take me to urgent care later to check on my foot (I didn’t have a license at this point or I would’ve gone myself way earlier). They do an X-ray and find it was broken in 3 places. All but one of my metatarsals were snapped in half, cracked heel bone and a badly sprained ankle. Never in my life have I broken a bone so I was pretty bummed. I don’t know how it happened. I still don’t know, it’s one of the biggest mysteries in my life. I had a pretty bad concussion as well, so I think I might have fallen down a flight of stairs but who knows. They put me in a boot for a few months and it healed up just fine, giving me an excuse to grind some Warzone. Today, I am still on probation from the DUI so I don’t drink like that anymore and don’t really plan on it in the future. But hey, I think it was a good experience all in all. A freshly initiated freshman is a level of degeneracy that is hard to come by, it’s honestly beautiful. To all the incoming freshmen out there, get ready, get prepared, and get fired up it’s time to go. Just don’t drink and drive. Good luck
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