Steven Spielberg just got nominated for a bunch of Oscars for a movie he made about his family. Steven Spielberg also can’t dunk a basketball. I can’t dunk a basketball. Now that everyone knows that me and Spielberg are basically the same person, I think it’s only fair that I get a chance to make a movie about my family. Don’t worry. I’ve thought about this. Let me tell you who’s going to play each member of my family on the big screen.
My father: Samuel L. Jackson
There were two main reasons for this casting decision. The first is I really like Samuel L. Jackson. The second is I’ve heard my dad say mother**ker a lot in his life. Some people may be quick to point out that my father is white and Samuel L. Jackson is black. I’d like to point out to those people that none of the people who starred in the recent Avatar movie were blue, and yet they were all blue in the film. Believe in movie magic a little bit. Samuel L. would make that role his bitch.
My mother: Joan Cusack
I found it difficult to find someone who captures the energy of my mother, and then I remembered, Joan Cusack. This isn’t to say Joan Cusack has a particularly strong connection to my mother, but more so that Joan Cusack’s image should be in the dictionary next to the word mother. I can’t even list a Joan Cusack movie off the top of my head, but I know damn well that the last time I saw her in a movie, she played the mom.
My brother: Charlie Day
My brother is an interesting character in real life. He’s got a ton of energy, he’s kind of a wild card, and his shares a bed with a man that may or may not be his father. One of those might be a lie, but that sounds like Charlie Day to me. Charlie would have to shave his beard for the role, but he wouldn’t have to do anything else. I’m a huge It’s Always Sunny fan, so I’ll willingly shoot on his schedule. I would just love to see Charlie Day turn the role of my brother into the lovable janitor we’ve all grown to admire.
My sister: Kristen Stewart
Doesn’t want to bothered by anyone? Check. That was basically it. I can picture Kristen Stewart yelling at me for finishing the cream cheese, so this one was pretty easy.
Myself: Ryan Gosling
Equally charming. Equally handsome. Don’t believe me? Click my name at the top or bottom of this to see my picture.
