I’ve been called many things in my life. “Douchebag,” “disappointment,” and “useless waste of space” are some of my dad’s favorite nicknames for me, and I think he picked those quirky ones because I don’t know how to do a lot of things. In my defense, I don’t see a point. Here are some of the most overrated skills.
Swimming
This isn’t Waterworld starring Kevin Costner. I don’t know why everyone thinks that knowing how to swim is an essential skill to have in life. I imagine life not knowing how to swim is pretty simple. You don’t go in any water that’s above your waist, and that eliminates the need to know how to swim.
Satisfying a Woman
Being bad at sex is only an issue for the person you’re having sex with. It’s very easy for you to have a ton of fun with intercourse and not pleasure the female participant whatsoever, just ask my girlfriend.
“Moderation”
Oh you can hold down a job and have meaningful relationships with other people? Cool. I can take a twenty-four pack of Natty Light and still hit every lyric of “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel.
Fixing Stuff
A frequent argument I have with my father is when he wants me to help him fix something and tells me it’s important to know this kind of stuff. Evidently, he doesn’t think, “Nah. I’m just gonna get richer than you ever were and pay someone to do it,” is a very nice thing to hear from his first-born child.
Cooking
Someone has to keep DoorDash in business, and I consider it an honor to do my part. Whose college tuition are you paying for when you make bland chicken and rice for dinner?
Cleaning
Why would I learn how to clean when there’s a plethora of people whose names sound like things I called my stuffed animals as a child begging to do it instead? I will always choose paying someone over doing it myself if it’s a task I don’t particularly enjoy.
Geography
I’m glad you know where Cambodia is. Maybe next you could tell me about the texture of your most recent bowel movement or some other piece of information that does not interest me whatsoever.
Long Division
At a certain point in math classes, it became incredibly important that we all had the exact right number to put into a formula or something equally boring, which meant that we were told to use calculators for division. That raises the question: why did I waste third grade figuring out how to do it by hand?
Listening
Ever talked to anyone over the age of seventy-three talk for more than six seconds? It’s usually a weird observation on the weather sprinkled with racial epithets and tangents about gout. Can you honestly still tell me listening is an important skill?
CPR and First AID
Fun fact: if someone needs CPR and you say you’re certified, it’s a free opportunity to bang on their chest and open-mouth kiss them. You don’t actually have to take the class, so yeah, I’d consider it an overrated skill.
