Talking to you friend’s parents is kind of like talking to your Thursday night college professor. You have to maintain some kind of reputation to them, and they stand in the way of you getting drunk. What’s even worse about your friend’s parents is that view of you is often extended to their own children. This forces you to walk a tight rope trying to maintain a good image to them, while also being on your worst behavior in their proximity. Here is a guide to having a conversation with your friends’ parents.
Step One: Well-Rehearsed Lies
Maintaining a reputation with your friends’ parents is essential. But I’m guessing that the adults in the lives of anyone reading this would be appalled if they knew what you do with you free time. So this comes down to controlling your image. Don’t tell them you urinated in the bed of a stranger you met at the bar. Tell them your classes are hard but you are having fun. This is one of many calculated lies I’ve told the people who raised my degenerate friends so I could sit on their furniture without being asked to take a shower first. They don’t need to know a single piece of information about you. Just make sure your lies have some continuity. This way you can avoid talking about a mechanical engineering degree that you are most certainly not pursuing. And yes, that is a lazy attempt for more views in the heading.
Step Two: Keep it Short
For any friend you’ve had longer than two years, you should have a scouting report of what a conversation with their parents is like. If all of your friend’s parents were like the dad who naps on the couch most of the time and clearly doesn’t know your name, this blog wouldn’t need to exist. The problem comes from the intrusive parent, who is almost always a mom. They pry into every detail of your life like they have a right to know. It’s imperative to leave these conversations before they ever start sharing details about their personal lives. It sucks to tell someone with a savings account and a 401k that you have no idea what you are doing with your life. But it’s much worse to hear them talk about their book club and favorite Pinterest recipes. When you prepare to be taken conversationally hostage, it is important to have an out ready. Find a way to block the conversation from happening. If you can’t do that, you can always or run to the bathroom screaming, “POOPY.” It’s tough to use that several times on the same parent though, because then you become the IBS friend.
Step Three: Be Presentable
This is an umbrella rule that reminds you not to be an abomination to all senses when you walk into their house. Smelling like weed will earn you a permanent reputation. If you walk in wearing your, “Orgasm Donor” shirt, the dad might laugh but the mom will definitely hate you. Leave a bottle of Axe body spray and a white t-shirt in the car. You should almost always be presentable enough to briefly chat with your friends’ parents on the way to rip your cart in their basement.
Step Four: Put Yourself on Their Level
If you’ve properly followed the instructions laid out in the rest of this blog, you should be in the middle of a pleasant tolerable conversation with your friend’s parents. The last step to establish your image as a respectable young man in the eyes of your friend’s parents, is to show them you are on their level. I don’t mean physically, or financially. Just show them that being on their property doesn’t automatically give them the power in this relationship. Once you arrive, grab something out of their fridge. Maybe even approach their father on the couch and tell him, “Slide over, geezer.” If you pull off this move properly, they will be finding ways to get into your good graces.
