This is a list of the best places to sneak alcohol into, meaning it does not include anywhere that sells or provides its own alcohol such as sporting events, weddings, and airplanes (those would obviously be top three). That said, let’s get into it.
Class
Being drunk makes class so much more enjoyable, and I’m not talking about the hungover-drunk where you’re still a little stupid from the night before. I’m talking about pregamming and sneaking alc into class. I already know a bunch of you nerds are gonna call this a bad idea, but as someone who has personally shown up to class blacked I can guarantee that all you pansies are dead wrong. Look, I’m not gonna pay attention no matter what. Sorry professor, but I just don’t give a shit about thermodynamics or the relationship between supply and demand. Inevitably, I am going to spend the entire class watching Instagram reels without sound. Would you rather me enjoy them less? Honestly me being drunk is the only chance you have at getting me to participate. When I’m sober not only am I too bored to be paying any attention, but I also have severe social anxiety preventing me from ever incorrectly answering a question in front of a 200 person lecture hall. If I’m drunk you bet your ass I’ll be willing to participate. It may not be related to the class in any fashion or timed appropriately, but I will sure as shit share all of my opinions to the class no matter how “politically incorrect” they may be.
A Children’s Birthday Party
Remember pin the tail on the donkey? Well that game is so much better when you can barely walk. The same is true for basically anything at a kid’s birthday party. Piñatas while hammered? Yes please. Petting zoo whilst intoxicated? No better way to touch a goat. Mediocre magician? He will seem like Houdini himself if you’re blurry enough.
Little League
Okay, I already know what a bunch of you are thinking. “Man, this dude really likes to be drunk around kids. Seems sus.” You know what, you guys are the ones making it weird, okay? I just like childhood activities when I’m a tad plastered, is that a crime? Everyone knows that baseball is better with a brewski. That’s just an American fact. Age doesn’t restrict that. So excuse me for showing up to random kids’ baseball games and housing bets. I thought this was still America, not Saudi Arabia. Baseball, betting, and beers are the patriotic way. It’s how I show support for my country. Plus, throwing bread on t-ball is insane. There are so many errors, more inside-the-park home runs than you’ve ever seen before, and free snacks at the end. Pro tip: always take the over, trust me.
Doctor’s Office
No one likes going to the doctor. They prick your finger, call you fat, and then check to make sure your penis is still small. It can be an uncomfortable and humiliating experience. That’s why sneaking in alcohol makes it so much better. Not only does it take the edge off, but it also makes you healthier. Hear me out. If a doctor is taking all of your vitals and checking to make sure you’re in tip-top shape while you’re blacked and you can somehow pass, imagine how much healthier you really are when you’re not drunk. Either that’s sound logic or I took this whole “method blogging” thing a little too far.
