If you are somehow reading this blog, that means that you, like myself, love to drink. I mean, who doesn’t though, right? A nice cold beer makes everything better from a routine check up to driver’s ed (I’m kidding, legally). Though alcohol can help turn any situation around, there are certain places where it’s an absolute necessity. Here are the top three places to drink.
I’m pretty confident the Constitution says everyone of age at a baseball game needs to ingest at least one beer and glizzy per nine innings. Even if it doesn’t, I strongly suggest you do. Sports, like most other things in life, are way more fun to enjoy off a buzz. Alcohol tears down your anxiety and social consciousness, making you more likely to yell, cheer, and banter with fans around you. If you’re sober at a football game, you are significantly less likely to scream obscenities at the ref that just called a bullshit pass interference call, and that’s not what you want. You should be just as angry at the game when you are there in person as when you are sitting alone on your couch and alcohol helps make that happen. Sitting in the stands is also all about being with the fanbase. If you are anything like me, I’m not very interested in making friends with strangers when I’m sober, but when I’m drunk I become a modern day Ned Flanders. Nothing is better than making a blackout friend that you won’t remember until you see your camera roll the next day, and nothing is easier to quickly bond over than sports and chugging some brews.
Full disclosure, I have only been to one wedding in my lifetime and was not old enough to be drinking yet. That being said, I’ve seen Wedding Crashers a bunch of times and have attended dozens of bar mitzvahs, so it’s safe to say I know what I’m talking about. What better combination than an open bar and room full of people you only know half of. Not only can you get piss drunk for free, but then you can go off onto the dance floor and make a complete fool out yourself. The people there are either family or complete strangers, meaning you can either have a real candid heart for heart with your great uncle who will tell you his true uncensored thoughts on today’s society, or you can play real-life Sims and create a totally new persona for the evening. The choice is yours, but whether you’re railing shots with your cousin who just got out of rehab or telling someone else’s mother you could hook her up with a modeling contract, it’s sure to be a great night.
I know some douchebag is going to say something like “you should smoke before the zoo,” but that’s just because they haven’t brought a water bottle full of vodka to the giraffe exhibit. Save your weed for the aquarium and go get shitfaced while you blast the penguin mating call on your phone so they approach you. I know someone out there is going to think this is a bad idea and potentially “unsafe,” but that’s just if you’re an idiot. Obviously don’t go into the enclosures, but you should try to meet the animals at the barrier. You’re in the zoo to see some animals so get up as close as possible. It’s also important to remember that children will be at the zoo. That means you do need to watch your profanity and be somewhat aware of your actions. However, it also means that the zoo may have some cool things you would only enjoy if your inhibitions were low, such as a slide or petting zoo. Bottom line, flamingos may be cool no matter what, but they’re way easy to appreciate when you can’t stand on two feet let alone one.